Leg Update and Other Thoughts

  As you can see, I am up and walking now. WOOHOO!! It has been 9 months since I shattered my tibia, and I am now able to walk without a cane or other assistance. Pretty darn happy about that!! I have worked hard to help my leg get to where I am now, which is basically walking fairly normal, but limping sometime when I am tired and have used my legs a lot.  I still cannot run, or jump, but I plan to be able to both eventually. It has been quite a journey so far going from a wheel chair, to 2 crutches, to one crutch, to a 4 prong bottom cane, to a regular cane, and finally, now walking by myself. It has required so much patience an persistence that I have not  really shown myself to being able to do with many things in the past. But this situation has made me follow through. I wan to walk normally, and in order to do that, I have to not give up. I must work everyday at it and push myself even when it hurts. Such a life lesson- pushing one'e self even when it hurts. Maybe not always physically hurts like my leg but emotionally or psychologically as well. I have so much to learn in life, and I am sure I broke my leg to learn many lessons especially not giving up!!

I hope this post finds you well and in good spirits!!

Bug Hugs!!

Priorities

I am aware of what the word priorities means yet I really struggle with how to prioritize all the things I want to do in life. Right at this moment, as I type this, I am struggling with whether I should be doing a blog entry or finishing the shirt I am making for Nadine. It is hard for me to decide which activity I should do in each moment.

I decided to share this struggle with William (Nadine in guy mode) at dinner this evening, and he had a great analogy. He said I should look at it like a triage, as in which "patient" needs the most attention right now. It has been an interesting way to see the last couple of hours. I have many things I want to do all the time and often, I get stuck in the "what next?" phase and end up wasting time. So instead, I have, like I said, in the last 2 hours, been taking care of the next most needy "patient."

I see that I will still struggle in whether what I chose to do was the best choice, but at least, I can make a choice and do one thing I want. With each choice about what is next on the priority list, I suspect I will get more confident with my choices, thus making the next choice less "heavy."

Where are you with this? Do you have a hard time prioritizing, too? Do tell. :)

Hugs!!!

Thanks for stopping by!!!

Do You Say "I Don't Know"?

"I don't know."

How many times do you say this without even thinking first? It has been a go to response for me for years. I think I do it because I either don't care or I am unsure of what to say right away, and I think I will look weird if I don't respond right away. These things have clearly been depression.

Thinking about that today, it's bugging me. I don't like when people think I am incompetent yet I go ahead and say that which obviously says I am being incompetent. Depression allows me to act in ways that when talking about that characteristic in others bothers me.

My thought is to allow myself to slow down in my responses and think an answer through clearly. Now I do realize that I do not know everything and it is okay to admit it, but it will not sit well with me if I knee jerk a response of "I don't know."  To form new patterns, I plan to not answer with the same response. So if I am not sure about anything, I will be honest and say that I am not sure and then offer a thought I have about the situation.

Depression feeds on my insecurity and I want to starve my depression so I want to address this aspect of my insecurity (and all other aspects as they come up.)

So do use this response also?

Hope all is well in your part of the world! Hugs!!!

Journaling for Health

I started journaling a few days ago. I did not really know exactly what I was going to write in my journal except that it had to be about me. Journaling is sort of an odd idea to me, and I have resisted doing it even though I had read it is helpful with depression. I guess I have not wanted to write to myself, to face what's going on inside, and finally let go. 

Yet contrary to my thoughts about it, I have been enjoying writing to myself and want to continue. :) I think it can really help me to look more clearly at myself.  The other day I started writing about feeling like I am not being listened to, but by the end of the time I was writing, I saw that I was really upset about not being listened to by myself. 

It came through in the writing that I am really not upset at others for not listening to me; what was really pissing me off was that I do not listen to me.

Example:  I say I want to diet to lose weight, yet then I go and eat what ever I feel like. Well, there are many reasons that I want to be at a lower weight, like fitting back into many of my clothes, feeling sexier, feeling confident and strong. The writing helped me to see something important to me fighting depression. Because every time I decide to not listen to my own desires to be at a lower weight and eat, I do not like myself thus furthering, or feeding, my depression. 

This is making me want to look for other aspects of my life that are feeding the depression. so I will put in the effort to journal. I do want to beat depression and this could help.:)

Do you journal? What has it done for you?

Getting to Why I Started This

     

    So when I started this blog, I had intended to use it to help me get to living, instead of constantly running around just trying to keep up with life. But I have not wanted to see and deal with why I am constantly running. I have been suffering from depression since I was 8 and still do.  I have been so resistant to accepting this because I have felt this way for so long that it just seems normal, like it's just me. That, I have learned, is called dysthymia; one who suffers from chronic low levels of depression for so long that they think it is actually an aspect of their personality.

      But the issue has been and still continues to be a difficult aspect of this. I have acted this way for almost as long as I can remember and  now, I get very angry and defensive about aspects of depression that I think are "just me," such as liking to sleep a lot.

     It is hard for me to see myself as chronically depressed because I have a full time job where I am fairly successful and am a leader. Each day, I accomplish many things. In other words, I don't sit around all day unable to function, which is how I have always viewed depressed people.

      Yet if I look at a list of signs of depression, I exhibit all of them to some degree or another.  My husband has let me know our whole relationship that there has always been something below the surface, an unhappiness and unwillingness to want to go out and experience new things.

   Honestly, I am terrified of this diagnosis. I do not like the term "mental illness" and would rather run away from it all. But I am going to loose everything soon if I don't deal with it.

My Sporadic Habits

Well I think that if you come to my blog to read what is going on, you might notice that I am very sporadic in my posting and a little bit manic, too. Sometimes I have posted many things in a row and then other times, I post nothing. Aaaahhh the story of my life. I really lack a passion for living and the things I choose to do in my life. Yes, I do stuff like paint, sew, garden, read, etc, but none with a passion. I do not even treat my relationship with my husband with passion. I mean I do love him, but I am not really obviously passionate towards him. I love to paint but ask when I painted last and I could not tell you. It seems as though I am really trying to get through each day best I can but without any real attention to long term goals or plans. Once again, this way of living is showing it is a threat to my marriage.

Do you look around sometimes and think, "What the hell happened here? How is it I find myself with this life?"  Yeah well once again, here I am, not being able/willing to see the reality that is my life.  I find it weird that I am an intelligent person with a good career but acting in ways that are counter productive to what I think are my end goals, i.e. happily married, and personally fulfilled by successfully obtaining my own needs.

This internal angst has plagued me since 8 and yet I am unwilling to free myself from it. Oh, I will do it damn it!!! I have not come this far to fail at my life. Fuck that!!! (Pardon the f-bomb)

Hope you all are doing well out there. Remember, you have to meet your needs before you can even think of meeting anyone else's. (No, I have not succeeded in this yet, but it is good advice given to me by someone I love and trust. )

Hugs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

No I Did Not Fall Off the Planet ... Helloooo!

Well, it has been quite a while since I have written a post so I thought it was about time I got to it. I hope everyone is doing well, and thank you for coming back to check in with me.

The last 2 months have been full of physical therapy and getting back to work. My leg is progressing slowly but surely, and I am now walking with either one crutch or my four prong cane. I can even walk a bit without any aid; not too far, but some and that rocks!!

I went back to work in the beginning of January and am doing pretty well. It has been tiring but worth it!! It is great to be around people and be able to talk to people all day long. It is amazing how much being alone showed me that I like being around people, even with all their quirks and problems. :)

My last x-ray taken at the end of December (below) actually shows some change. It is the first one taken since I broke my leg (Sept. 1) that I could actually see a difference, which has been encouraging. I go this week to have another x-ray taken and am really excited to see how things are progressing.

Through out this experience, I find that I am still challenged by my fixed mindset and setting limitations upon myself. There has been some areas where I have been able to push my self and some areas where I am not. Yet after practicing a certain way of thinking and acting for so long, I do not always see what others can and am thankful I have my husband on my side to point out what I have chosen to be blind to. My goal is to, at some point, be able (or willing) to self-reflect well enough to not need his help. I will get there!!

Alrighty then people, hope you are taking care of yourself and enjoying life!!!!!!!!!!!!

BIG HUGS!!!!