Friday, April 11, 2014

My Sporadic Habits

Well I think that if you come to my blog to read what is going on, you might notice that I am very sporadic in my posting and a little bit manic, too. Sometimes I have posted many things in a row and then other times, I post nothing. Aaaahhh the story of my life. I really lack a passion for living and the things I choose to do in my life. Yes, I do stuff like paint, sew, garden, read, etc, but none with a passion. I do not even treat my relationship with my husband with passion. I mean I do love him, but I am not really obviously passionate towards him. I love to paint but ask when I painted last and I could not tell you. It seems as though I am really trying to get through each day best I can but without any real attention to long term goals or plans. Once again, this way of living is showing it is a threat to my marriage.

Do you look around sometimes and think, "What the hell happened here? How is it I find myself with this life?"  Yeah well once again, here I am, not being able/willing to see the reality that is my life.  I find it weird that I am an intelligent person with a good career but acting in ways that are counter productive to what I think are my end goals, i.e. happily married, and personally fulfilled by successfully obtaining my own needs.

This internal angst has plagued me since 8 and yet I am unwilling to free myself from it. Oh, I will do it damn it!!! I have not come this far to fail at my life. Fuck that!!! (Pardon the f-bomb)

Hope you all are doing well out there. Remember, you have to meet your needs before you can even think of meeting anyone else's. (No, I have not succeeded in this yet, but it is good advice given to me by someone I love and trust. )


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