Monday, June 6, 2016

"Once I was 7 Years Old"

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The title of this post comes from the song "7 Years" by Lukas Graham.  The first time I heard it I was struck by the age he chose to use as the first age he sings about. For me, seven was the last age I remember being me, really me. After 8ish, I was increasingly consumed by my anger and acted/reacted to the world from an angry point of view. I chose anger and hiding instead of honesty and openness.

Being as blessed as I am with a husband who truly cares about me and my well being, he suggested I talk as much as I can about how the experiences I had and have are all clouded by the anger that started at 8. It has been hard and eye opening. I am no where near being done with this process but already feel better and more aware of why I feel the ways I do and how to deal with those feelings in my life now.

Now, to be real, I still have not been able to lose the weight I want to lose, or stop smoking, both things I know are a result of the choices and beliefs I started when I was 8ish. But I am able to talk about the choices I have made to get here and that is a necessary step in changing my belief in the need for bad foods and cigarettes.  I never have really wanted to see myself for who I really am and see that all the things that have happened to me and all the things I have chosen to do or believe affect my everyday actions and choices. It is very difficult to admit that I have done many things to myself that have put me where I am right now. Yet this uncomfortable feeling is a large piece of growth and change. 

The future is the real test to how much this self awareness will change me. I am hopeful that I can use this in the best way possible and motivate myself to get closer and closer to being me, just me.

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Do you have childhood trauma that you hide from?
Do you struggle with anger and hurt?
How do you motivate yourself in the face of your own issues?

Love yourself because no one can really love you until you do.