Monday, June 6, 2016

"Once I was 7 Years Old"

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The title of this post comes from the song "7 Years" by Lukas Graham.  The first time I heard it I was struck by the age he chose to use as the first age he sings about. For me, seven was the last age I remember being me, really me. After 8ish, I was increasingly consumed by my anger and acted/reacted to the world from an angry point of view. I chose anger and hiding instead of honesty and openness.

Being as blessed as I am with a husband who truly cares about me and my well being, he suggested I talk as much as I can about how the experiences I had and have are all clouded by the anger that started at 8. It has been hard and eye opening. I am no where near being done with this process but already feel better and more aware of why I feel the ways I do and how to deal with those feelings in my life now.

Now, to be real, I still have not been able to lose the weight I want to lose, or stop smoking, both things I know are a result of the choices and beliefs I started when I was 8ish. But I am able to talk about the choices I have made to get here and that is a necessary step in changing my belief in the need for bad foods and cigarettes.  I never have really wanted to see myself for who I really am and see that all the things that have happened to me and all the things I have chosen to do or believe affect my everyday actions and choices. It is very difficult to admit that I have done many things to myself that have put me where I am right now. Yet this uncomfortable feeling is a large piece of growth and change. 

The future is the real test to how much this self awareness will change me. I am hopeful that I can use this in the best way possible and motivate myself to get closer and closer to being me, just me.

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Do you have childhood trauma that you hide from?
Do you struggle with anger and hurt?
How do you motivate yourself in the face of your own issues?

Love yourself because no one can really love you until you do.



  1. Hi Jules!

    To your questions:
    Do you have childhood trauma that you hide from?
    - I have mucho-mucho childhood trauma, but I try everyday to not hide from it. It is hard, especially when sometimes it is difficult to even see.

    Do you struggle with anger and hurt?
    - Umm..... yup. Constantly. But it is the struggle that is important. If there is no struggle, then there is no caring.

    How do you motivate yourself in the face of your own issues?
    - Because I know I can always be better. Being better makes me feel good. And I can use as much of that as I can get.

    Love you!

  2. You tease me of being deep and then you put up a post like this. Nothing deep here Jules :)

    Not too many, if any people can say they have lived without making bad choices and picking up habits that they struggle with. I think it is great that you are trying to better yourself by overcoming them. I don’t think you will become your true self overnight. Some day I am sure you will succeed but in the mean time, I think just these things you are doing to try to best them, will help you grow into yourself. You have recognized that your choices and actions have not been the best. This prompted me to look back at my life and think about what was circumstances beyond my control and what were just bad choices I made based on feelings I had at the time. It occurred to me that by accepting that these were my choices and therefore my faults, I can change them. I cannot change what others did or said but I can change my behaviour. Now I Just need to do that :)

    As for the 3 questions - first 2 - Yes and no, Yes and no.

    There was no real trauma in my childhood but there was lack of acceptance. Especially with my father. I was the second of 3 children and I did not live up to the model and standards of my older brother. In a state of drunkeness, my fathers best friend once told me I should just stay away from my father because my father does not like me. Now I get along very well with Dad. Yet the fact that I can vividly remember the incident today implies it must have had an effect.

    I don’t think I struggle with anger, but hurt yes. My childhood was pepper with incidences where I was told I was inferior or that my ideas or things I made were flawed. So hurt and self confidence were my struggles and probably continue to be.

    Today I am often praised. I find this annoying. Probably because I do not know how to deal with it and also I learned to motivate myself by not putting any weight on what others tell me. I now set out with a goal of what I want to do. I set the standards and limits to what I want to achieve. I am happy if I achieve that standard or do better. If I don’t then I am disappointed. So I really do not need anyone telling me if what I am doing is good or not. The people who praise me do not know the real me. They are judging on just a part of me. If they did know all about me I doubt they would feel the same about me if they did.

    “Love yourself because no one can really love you until you do.”

    I think I know what you are trying to say. I am not sure if I agree with the statement though. I think that I have a wife who has loved me very deeply for a long time. She has put up with all my insecurities and self doubts. My struggles and frustrations. Yet she is still by my side and I have loved her very deeply and want her to be happy and have a good life. I do not love myself. I have learned to ‘like’ myself which is a big step to how I felt years ago. I look at your blog and feel that you have the same relationship with your husband. Yet when I read your entries I think you struggle with self love too. My thought is that love is putting another first. Wanting them to be happy. Not worrying or thinking of yourself. With this definition of love I think you can love and be loved even though you do not love yourself.

  3. Trauma comes in many forms. It can be all at once or in bits and pieces. For me, much of my childhood was laced with trauma. It has take me many years to come to terms with and accept it all as a part of my "life experience" rather than a reflection of me. When I was 46 years old, sitting at work in the middle of the night; I realized I love peanut butter. This shocked me that something so small I did not even know about me. This began a quest in knowing who I am, relearning me so to speak. I had no memories of who I was before life made me scared and insecure. When my mother died and my sister, with all her insecurities and self loathing, lashed out at me. She was hateful. I learned then to let go of anger, not to let it affect me and change me.As for my self motivation, I find my quiet place and ground myself. Sometimes my quiet place is in the woods, sometimes the water, the presence of a trusted friend, sometimes curled up in my bed and other times I need my husband to hold me or best friend to hug me.
    You are so right in saying Loving yourself must come before others can love you; but even before this, you need to know yourself and accept you regardless of imperfections.