Monday, March 2, 2015

The Wrong Measure

Image result for yard stick

The last time I wrote, I said I was doing well and that things were moving along. Well, not so much due to my using the wrong measuring stick.  I was measuring how well I was doing by the fact that my husband and I were getting along. We were getting along pretty well at the last posting, and I was sure that it meant I was working on me and getting better. What it really meant was that my husband was trying to be patient with me and get along so I could work on me.

But I didn't really work on changing anything; I have spent a lot of time trying to figure out "what's wrong with me," and not any time and effort in changing anything that I don't like about myself, i.e. procrastination, no follow through, lack of drive.

For the last 4 or 5 months, I have been working on putting together a history of me through pictures. I got out all the pictures I have from my childhood (which, fortunately, is a lot), found the ones from age 8 to 14, sifted through those to chose some from each year, and then taped all of those in order (best I could) to 6 pieces of butcher paper. That took a couple of weeks to get it all in order with the help of things like laying out all the yearly photos my mom had taken of my brother and I, and yearly school pictures to compare the chosen pictures to to get a good sense of my timeline. Since I finished that, I have been and continue to look at each picture and write below each one. I have been labeling each one with many different tags like fantasy verses reality (what I thought was going on and what really was going on), closeness to others (physically and emotionally), big events in my life, likes and dislikes, and even clothing chooses. 

I started this reluctantly at my husband's advice. Really the first person who suggested I look at my pictures form this time period was a therapist I was seeing 6 years ago or so, but I refused to do that at that time. So after fighting with my husband again, he asked if I would please do this, and I agreed. I have learned many things about myself from 8-14 since I began this process, especially how unhappy and increasingly closed off I was from people. 

BUT and it a big BUT, Nothing is translating into action. I just act the same way, which means one thing: I am not dealing with the real problem inside of me.  If I can look and see my history in pictures, yet not be moved to react to those findings, then I am not really dealing with the problem.
What you ask is the real problem? I went through a traumatic happening in my childhood, and as a result, I began some bad habits, that, because I never addressed, have multiplied. 

Like I said before, I learned many things about myself through this picture exploration, yet have not been willing to really see let alone change those negative attributes about myself. I am still trying to fight with husband instead of fighting for myself with myself to be the person I wish (and sometimes tell myself I already am) I was now.  

Writing this post is one step in the right direction, not just because I wanted to share and put myself out there, but because I did it. I wrote the post instead of thinking about and avoiding it. 

Alrighty thanks for stopping by. :) Hope all is well and that you are in good spirits!

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