I recently went to a dinner party with new people, and I considered before hand what I should wear that would make me feel pretty and comfortable enough for several hours. I chose to wear a sort of fifties style dress and purple flats. I have several dresses I could have chosen from yet the one I chose I felt the prettiest in and flattered my shape.
Over the years, I have stated that I am not that into fashion. Yet in the last few years, I have been trying to think more about the body I have at the moment and dressing that body. I have only gotten some items here and there that I think are flattering to my bigger size, mostly because I keep waiting to have the body I want to then maintain and buy cute clothes for.
So the truth is that I like fashion and enjoy looking good in my clothes. I just avoid it because I think I am too fat and do not want to waste money buying nice clothes until I lose weight.
Thus the question of to do fashion or to not do fashion is not the real issue; the real issue is my unwillingness to lose the weight once and for all. Even though I lost many pounds 12 years ago or so and maintained it for a few years, I never truly committed to losing the weight and keeping it off.
As I stated in another recent post, I have been going up and down in my weight for at least 8 years now and have not yet committed to treating myself well and losing the weight. Which is another layer down to the truth. So, basically, I ignore and avoid it, even though I know it would help me feel better, feel healthier, feel sexier, which in turn would help my sex life, which could help my relationship, which would make life better all around.
Soooooo where does that come from? Anger and hurt about shit that happened when I was a kid that I learned to ignore and avoid. Learning to ignore and avoid the shit that was happening in my family taught me that I could ignore and avoid and still "do Life" so I started to ignore and avoid much more mundane things in daily life. That ignoring and avoiding has spread around, and I can do it well.
My end conclusion about whether or not to involve myself in fashion is that its not about fashion. Its about me not ignoring and avoiding my shit, i.e. the things I want for myself that will lead to the life I want.
Hence, I gotta take care of my shit! :)
Take care of your shit and I surmise (since I don't really do it), life will be better.
Hugs!!
First and foremost, you are not heavy. You have posted pictures of yourself and to quote a friend… “ You are easy on the eyes” He was talking about Sandra Bullock, so don’t worry your picture is not circulating the net. You talk about a recent post but you do not mention the post of when you went to a friends place and they talked about how you look amazing when you show off your assets. (I have to be careful here or I may get into trouble with your husband :) ) I can see that they are right.
ReplyDeleteSo you could certainly buy any clothes you would like at any time. I think many of us are always our own worst critics. I am a very unique individual and I wear things that would not be considered appropriate by normal society. Yet I feel good and I am happy about myself when I wear them. I think you could do the same and be wearing very appropriate clothing. For me it is funny because I struggle to love myself. Often I find it hard to even tolerate me. I feel I am living a lie and yet know of no other way to be able to do the things that are important in my life.
When I read your posts, I cannot help but wonder if you are similar (not in what you do, but in your self thoughts) I often feel you want yourself to be perfect, which is hard to obtain. I have read your entire blog at least once, and you are an amazing person. You have lifted yourself up and done some things that show strength of character, openmindedness and the willingness to make changes. I know that your blog is going to show the things that are ‘above and beyond” your life happenings, but I really think you would be an interesting person to meet, and someone who is/could be fun and happy. I would love to be able to find the way to show you what you need to do to get to a point when you realize just how special you are, but I think first I have to figure it out for me.
This is another post I will be reflecting on. Thanks for taking the time to post it.
I hesitated to post this. Reading it, it could be taken as I am telling you to get on with your life, blah blah blah. It is not meant that way. I just want you to know that you are doing much better than your mind is telling you.
Jules
ReplyDeleteI really look forward to reading your blog. Hope all is well and I hope you will be posting soon
Take Care
Mike