Remembering- weird thing to contemplate, huh? Maybe the
topic should be forgetting instead remembering. Either way, I struggle with
this.
Maybe
now is the time to talk a little about my childhood. Looking at my family, we
looked great. Both of my parents were involved in the community as scout
leaders and volunteers at both our schools and sporting activities. My brother
was a Boy Scout and got his eagle award. I was a Girl Scout and involved in
many different sports. Everything looked really nice.
But
it wasn’t. When I was 8, my mom moved out of my parent’s room and into her own
room. Nothing much was said about; what I recall my mom saying was that she
wanted her own room, just like my brother and I had. Not much later, my brother
and I were sneaking around looking for Christmas presents and found divorce
papers in my mom’s room. My brother made me promise that I would never talk
about what we found, and I promised. Yet the next day, little 8 year old me had
to get up and act like nothing was wrong. And the disassociation began.
Little by little I “forgot” what I had seen but deep inside I knew and
was tortured. Day after day for 7 more years, my parents lived in the same
house, in separate bedrooms, and said nothing about anything that was happening
between them. All the while, I got better and better at disassociating,
basically not questioning, not thinking about reality, and not being present.
This began around 8 and has continued today.
When I was young, I used this skill to get through each day,
basically to survive. But the unfortunate side effect of practicing this for so
long is that it has seeped into many areas of my life. I tend to “discover”
things about myself, forget it, “discover” it again, over and over. It is
annoying yet I have not wanted to take a good look at this to be able to make
any headway against it.
Many years ago, my husband told me that he uses notes to remind himself
of things and that over time, it has improved his ability to remember. I have
been so resistant to this because it reminded me of my mom (don’t really like
her) so I would not try it. Lately, though, I have been putting concerted
effort into this to, at least, begin to be more conscience of myself, my past,
and what I want in the future.
I am not a psych and know very little about the subject but I have heard and sensed that many children will internalize and blame themselves for difficulties that they sense in their parents lives. If you think about the events that you describe in the post it should be very clear that none of the unpleasant issues between your parents relate to anything that you did. People age and sometimes change. It does not make them good or bad...things just happen and develop.
ReplyDeleteYou need to understand that you cannot change the past. You can only live today and make today a good day.
There was a radio host here in the east years ago that signed off his show along the following lines: "Yesterday is a cancelled check...tomorrow is a promissory note...today is the day that you have to live...live it fully."
Pax
Pat
Not at all disagreeing Pat, but from experience it is clear to me that "knowing I cannot change the past" and actually stopping the tendency learned early to take on every bad thing as though it is my own responsibility, those are way different.
DeleteI think you are both basically saying the same thing. If you "only live today and make today a good day" you are "stopping the tendency learned early to take on every bad thing as though it is my own responsibility."
DeleteEach day cannot be a good day without letting go of the bad mindsets I learned as a child.
Thank you both for comments that really make me think!
As an only child, living with grandparents from an early age, I would hear 'adult conversations' from time to time. I remember being told that if anyone asked me about "...yada, yada...." that had been discussed, my answer should be "I don't know". As you say about your situation, I got so good at "not knowing" about things that I, to this day, have to work at remembering casual conversation.
ReplyDeleteUnderstanding our childhood conditioning can be very disturbing, yet it has been part of the key to liberating me from the grip of that childhood.
Its so odd that adults think it is okay to state or imply that their kids shouldn't talk about things. Why don't they understand the lesson they are teaching?
DeleteAlthough it has taken me some time to get to, I am really relieved that I have finally realized that I do not have to do what they taught me.
Thanks for your comment!!