The Last Saturday

I have thought about and started to write many times what happened last Saturday night when my husband and I went to our friends’ house for dinner yet I am having a hard time articulating what’s going on in my head. Regardless, here it goes. It might be a long one. J

We had made plans to go over to Vivian and Edward’s (our very good friends) house for dinner. I was excited to hang out with them because they are fun and adorable people.  As always, I get nervous about what to wear when we go out.  I tried on several things and decided on something that was sort of an outfit. I say that because I really do not love most of my clothes.  Most of my clothes I bought because they fit and I look ok in them.

We went over to their house and had a lovely dinner. Whenever we get together, we talk and talk about pretty much anything and everything. Its awesome!!   After hanging out for a couple of hours, having a great time and drinking wine, we went home for a bit so my husband could change. (He waited until their little one went to bed.)  He is a crossdresser and had shared that with our friends but had never dressed as a woman in front of them. When he dresses as a woman, he goes by Nadine.  It was going to be the first time he dressed as Nadine in front of people we know. (We have been out and about together many times over the last 5 years or so.)  He was nervous yet really desirous to share this aspect of himself with our friends.  I was proud of him for being himself.

Nadine chose a very flattering outfit that did a great job accenting her figure.  I have seen this outfit before and thought it was a great choice. Nadine looked fantastic. We returned to our friends’ house and they were the beautiful that they are and showed support and interest in Nadine and her outfit.  I was feeling good and had a little more wine. We talked more and hung out. Deciding to smoke, we all went out on the back patio.

 As we talked on the patio, it came up that they thought I am beautiful, but don’t dress in a way to show that off.  During this conversation our friends compared Nadine to me and commented that she was dressing younger than me.  I did not think but felt during this conversation. I said that really I didn’t really care about how I looked or showing off my great boobs.  I basically thanked them for being complimentary but inside I felt a little sting because I actually thought I had made some effort. Yet I said nothing because I didn’t want to.

 I look back on that and see the sting meant I knew they were right but I just say I don’t care so I don’t have to be responsible and possibly fail. For so long I have told myself some messages I heard when I was young. Sadly I haven’t wanted to see that I am and have been saying these things to myself for years.

We all went back inside. A little while later, Nadine mentions that on the vacation we were all talking about taking she wanted to dress as Nadine because vacation is one time she has regularly dressed as a woman.  Within 5 minutes I attacked her. HUGE SIGN that I missed!  I said I wish she would dress as a man during some of our vacation time, that I was missing feeling romantic on vacation.  I got super emotional, cried, and blamed my husband for not thinking of me. I fought with Nadine in front of our friends. They were uncomfortable, of course; who wouldn’t be? Eventually Nadine was able to get me to stop.

It took some time for me to see that I refused to look at myself and understand what I was saying was not true; I was experiencing old, negative feelings unrelated to what was really happening and that caused me to attack my husband.  I will have to be explore these feelings in more blogs those come up in me because I haven’t really looked .

Practicing not caring for so long has had a huge effect on my life. I do not take responsibility for my own happiness and well-being and I am unhappy L.  And that came raging out on Saturday. 

My friends and husband were being honest and kind when they made the comments they did. But I took it as criticism. Looking back into that feeling, I see the connection between the feelings in that moment to what I already say to myself deep inside but just haven’t wanted to look at, which goes back to not caring because of my decision to not deal with the trauma from when I was young.

I hurt my husband deeply. I robbed him of the joy of having a great experience for the first time of dressing as woman in front of people he cares about.  He deserved that.  I blamed him for my feelings of inadequacy and made him look like an uncaring person which is so far from the truth. No one has stood by me and loved me like he has, through very trying times, which I created. 

I hurt the relationship with our friends. I lied. I said I do not get offended yet I allowed myself to be offended by something which was not even offensive. On the contrary it was amazingly wonderful and touching and real! My own feelings about being unwilling to take responsibility for my body, my clothing, my hair, to say the least, created my response, not one word actually said.  Vivian and Edward are wonderful, caring, open people whom I respect and want to be friends with for a long, long time.

 I am very embarrassed by what happened on Saturday, and very, very angry with myself, so therefore I am going to use that situation to finally get to me, to see that what happened to me as a kid did affect me, and begin to really make the choices I want and need to be me. From my dark to my light!!!