My Wanderings

Today is the last day of my alone vacation. I decided I wanted to go to Berkeley and wander around where William and I used to go to when we were in high school in the late 80's. I looked up online and saw that there were several stores still there that we used to go to. 

One of those stores is Anapurna, an eclectic little place that always smells like incense. It was still there and of course I perused the shop and talked to the guy working there about how long they have been on Telegraph Ave. He said they had been there in that spot since 1969; a lot longer than I have been going there. 

I also visited a used book store (bought a book, of course), a bunch of random places, and got hungry. There are 2 giant slice pizza places on Telegraph, Fat Slice, and Blondies. I got to Fat slice first so I ate there. So good and a huge slice of pizza that I could not finish. It is an odd experience to eat out by yourself. I have done it before this trip but this trip, I noticed how few people eat alone. Its odd. I read or used my iPad while eating out on this trip, but I also spent sometime talking to the workers at the restaurants. I enjoyed interacting with different kinds of people. 

I have always loved going to Telegraph Ave in Berkeley because of the street jewelers, artists, and vendors. There were over 10 different people's work to look at today, which is not a lot for there, but was still fun. While walking the street I bought a ring and a pair of earrings. Oddly, I found a store that was all products from Japan, like actual products with the product names in Japanese. It was like walking into a store in Japan and brought back memories of our visit to Japan. 

Overall I liked revisiting a place I spent time at when I was younger. Weirdly, it made me think about my fixed mindset and how I at one point would have never gone to Telegraph by myself. I was nervous today as well but as I walked around, I saw that me having a fixed mindset causes those sort of unsure feelings. Why not just enjoy the world and the people? And so I did! 

And it must be said again. Everything would have been so much more fun and enjoyable if William/Nadine had been there too. We talked last night and both agreed that we like doing things with each other much more than doing it alone. I am very happy I took this trip to take time to look at myself yet I missed my spouse very much. :) 

Hugs!!

Rethinking

I have been reading more about mindset lately. The book I am reading is Mindset: The New Psychology of Success by Carol Dweck, Ph.D. You should all totally read this book!! Really, it is an amazing look at how people look at the world. 

The last 5 years William and I have discussed so much about my childhood and family life yet nothing has really changed in my behavior and thinking. Yet the information this book is talking about the fixed and growth mindsets is so reveling about my behavior. As I read this book, I see myself over and over in the examples of a fixed mindset. 

So here is where I am going to put my focus: changing my mindset from fixed to growth. I am going to finish reading this book, and as I am reading, I plan to answer the questions she offers up at the end of each chapter as an exploration of myself. 

As always, I will keep you updated.

BTW, I am still out and about in the world by myself. Today was more of a mellow day. I went out eat for lunch and had a lovely talk with my waitress Vanessa about life and reading. I hurt the back of my thigh while running this morning so I didn't so much. I read a lot of the book I was talking about. I dyed my hair. I also had a wonderful conversation with William. Near my hotel is a dive burger joint I got dinner from, which was great. I am going to go home on Tuesday but before that, I am going to Berkeley, a place William and I used to go to a lot in high school. I'll let you know how it goes. :) 

Hugs!!

Out and About Updated W/ Pics

Today I decided to go visit the first house I lived in when I moved to California at 9 months. I lived there for 5 years or so and I have so many happy memories from there. In that house, I feel I was really me. Most of that time I lived there, my parents seemed to like each other and we felt like a family. First of all, the town I grew up in has changed so much it was hard for me find, but I finally did. It was oddly cleansing. I know weird word but that is how it felt. It was like I was able to remember the fun I had as a child and the joy I felt waking up each morning to play and live fully.

My Old House

I also drove by William's old house and the town a little bit. I marveled at how much the town and trees and everything had grown and changed. I have seen these things before but not in the way I did today. It occurred to me that change and growth is natural and healthy and that I have done myself a disservice by not allowing myself to grow and change.

As I began to leave town, I quickly turned onto the road with our town's cemetery. I almost forgot about it. I really enjoy walking through old cemeteries, looking at the head stones. as I walked around taking pictures (like I always do) I began to understand why I like doing this. I am fascinated by basically looking at how we (humans) remember and mark the dead. I have kind of been weirded out by this interest of mine, wondering if I wanted to be dead or something. No, I do not. But I am interested in humanity and how we deal with the experience of being human, and that's kind of cool. :) Actually, I have thought about making a coffee table book about cemeteries and today, I got a great idea of how to do it. So that was a bonus to the experience.

After I went to the hotel, I had to force myself to go out again. I planned to go on a few errands and then visit a wine tasting room. I did my errands and then went to the area of the tasting room and was so close to chickening out. It was a really, really busy part of the town I am in and I was sure I could not find parking. But low and behold, I found a spot and forced myself to get out of the car and walk to the tasting room. There were tons of people there. It is clearly a very popular place. The tasting room was in a little shopping area with a restaurant, and several little shops around a courtyard with a band playing.

I walked into the tasting room, up to the counter and asked for a glass for one for tasting. And amazingly, I had a wonderful experience. The guy who started pouring for me was friendly but not talkative. But he walked away and an other woman took over and she was lovely. We talked for a while and connected. She gave suggestions about where to go after I finished tasting and overall was a joy to talk to.

It was so wonderful to have this experience because I am so suspicious of people and their intentions. I distrust people and expect they will  not be kind and open. Yet here was this woman so warm and friendly and welcoming to me, yeah me. it warmed me inside, kind of melting some of the coldness of my insides.

After, I went to dinner at a sushi restaurant which I have not eaten since William and I went to Japan. I was expecting it to be not so good, or at least not as good as Japan. Again, I was proved wrong. The meal was great and totally reminded me of Japan. It was so good!! I loved the food.

Now something else much be mentioned. After all the positive things I experienced that I mentioned above, there was still the same feeling all day that I had yesterday, a desire to share the experiences I was having with my spouse. I am glad to be out by myself so I can make decisions for myself and interact with people by myself to learn about people and the world and myself, but I miss William in so many ways. Good thing for me to see in such clarity.

Alone- Take It or Leave It?!

Today was the first day of my road trip and it went pretty good. After having lunch with Nadine and switching cars, I drove for a while then got a room. It was kind of hard to force myself to go out somewhere to eat, but I did. I also decided to see a movie. I was a little early so I sat and listened to a band playing outside the movie theater.

It was an odd experience. I enjoyed the whole evening: the food was good, the band was fun, and the movie was funny, but I really felt something was missing the whole time. It was someone to share with. I found myself going to say something, or share something, but I had no one to talk to or share with. In the past, when I had times by myself and felt this, I just got sad. But I am trying to look at this objectively this time to try to learn something about myself. So this time when I saw I was looking for William to share with or talk to, I looked at myself and realized this shows I do want a partner, and a companion. In the past, I have acted in ways that indicated I wanted to be alone, as though sometimes I am just annoyed with having someone around. I am really questioning that today on a whole new level. I am really thinking that this attitude of wanting to be alone is part of my fixed mindset; I have thought for so long that wanting to be alone was part of my personality. Ahhhh fixed mindset!

Since today is the first day out and about, that's all I have to say so far. I'll be back. (hee-hee)

Hugs!!

Fear or Not?

I am so sick of being afraid. It has consumed so much of my time, and it is starting to piss me off. I am about to go on my first road trip by myself, and it has been wigging me out all day. Now, as I went to write this, I realize that I am just not okay with feeling this way. What is so scary about going out into the world and checking it out? Nothing really. So what the hell is up?

Looking inside, I see that I am not sure of what to do, where to go, or of making decisions on my own. I have spent the last 27 years hanging back and letting William plan our trips. I always said it was because I didn't really care where we went, that I just liked going. But really it had and has to do with the fixed mindset of thinking that no choice is better than a bad choice.

Its been interesting to read about the fixed and growth mindset. I am seeing myself over and over in the discussions about people with a fixed mindset. And that fixed mindset is what is affecting me today.

But I will not accept going with fear. I am going to go out there, do stuff, talk to people, basically put myself out there. And I am going to do all by myself. I need to see the world alone. I want to interact with world alone so I can decide what I want from life. Why might I say this? For so long, I have said that I want to be married yet I have done actions that show the contrary. I have never really been alone out in the world.

Soooo I guess I will see how it goes! I am excited and ready. :)

HUGS!!

Silence

"And since your history of silence
Won’t do you any good,
Did you think it would?"

Brave by Sara Bareilles 

Yeah unfortunately I thought silence would do me good. I practiced silence since I was at least 8. Not literally silent but I never talked about anything real with anyone. Seriously no one about anything real. I was really good at being social and popular but if I look back at my life and my friends and family, I swear I do not remember being open or honest with anyone. 

All this has done is make me very suspicious of other people and their motives. Being superficial, which is what I have practiced by not being real, has made me think that others are not presenting themselves honestly. 

I want to take people at face value which means I am going to need to put myself out there at face value, really my face, not what I usually do which is to show a mask. I am a little nervous about doing so but I am going to do it. 

HUGS!!

Beliefs??

I have spent most of the last two days by myself, and I think at one time, I would have said that I wanted time by myself. But its not really what it seems like it would be. All this makes me think about is all the other things I thought I wanted or liked. What is my real motivation behind those wants or likes?

So much of my life has been spent not looking at myself, at my choices, really at my life. I have skated on notions that I set into motion when I was 7 or 8 and have just KNOWN that I was right in my beliefs. Even with all the signs in my life over the years, I have been unwilling to budge on those beliefs. Something inside said I had to hold onto those beliefs because they were what I used to get through the cold of my childhood family.

William has been talking to me about this for so long, about questioning myself and trying to grow. I have so many times said to him I understand and I wanted to be this kind of person and I was going to do something about it. Yet never did.

I have come to a palpable low point in my life. In the past, I have wallowed around in the low and taken a few steps up, just enough to move out of severe depression.

I cannot any more. Today I take the opportunity.

What??!! WAKE UP!!

I woke up today after sleeping too long and missing Nadine leaving for her appointment to pick up her new wig and go to her first hair cut appointment. My alarm did go off but somehow I managed to turn down the volume in the night because I know I checked it before I went to sleep. This after spending the day fighting with William all day. Needless to say, I woke up with a rude awakening that my life is a mess. I thought, as I have so many times before, that things were going well with where I was then life let me know that I have once again been lying to myself. I have a history of lying to myself and being pretty convincing.

Overall I thought I had a grip on what is going on with me and then I see, no way am I seeing what I do. I am unwilling to commit to anything that will help me like journal writing or following a self-help program. I am only willing commit to anything that will hurt me like smoking, or watching a lot of TV. I constantly give up on the very things that could help me move forward and stop causing problems in my life.

Bad things are here and are only going to get worse if I choose to look the other way yet again. I cannot keep living like what I do doesn't matter and doesn't effect me and others. I do want to be happy and peaceful and honestly, I am the ONLY one who is stopping me.

I am going to help myself if it is not too late.  I will keep you updated. :)

I wish you big hugs and peace.

Mindset

Have you ever considered your own mindset? Over the years, William and I have had many discussions about beliefs and ways of thinking, and he came across a term to explain what we've talked about, mindset. He is taking an internet math class, and the teacher spoke about a book about mindset. She explained some of the book stating that studies have found that people fall into two kinds of mindset, either a fixed mindset or a growth mindset.

We talked about this idea this morning and that it has been an difference between us for many years. I have clearly been of the fixed mindset, and William is clearly of the growth mindset. Basically the difference is that fixed mindset people think they are who they are and are not able to really change whereas growth mindset people think they are malleable beings who can change and learn.  Now this makes it sound like I think I cannot learn which is not true. I do believe I can learn and have learned many things over the years, but I have been very resistant to internal change, like being able to change my disposition and attitude toward others and myself. I have stated many times that I am who I am, and William has noted to me that I could change if I am unhappy (which I am). Yet I always said no I can't be something else. Ahhh the fixed mindset!

This is not the person I want to be. I would rather be a person who can see the areas of growth I have and enthusiastically go after growing opportunities. It seems to me that looking at life this way can be an amazing and freeing. More opportunity and less burden! :)

Hugs!!

Pretty Nails

Nadine and I went to have our nails done today. We do this often and lately we have been getting gel nail polish, which if you have never done, you should really try it. It lasts for a long time without chipping. It usually lasts 2 weeks or longer. Anyway, as we were going today I decided to ask for the polish you see above. That in itself is hard for me to do, asking for what I really want. And that is what I thought I was going to write about but after getting the nail job, I realized something; I love being pretty.

I keep looking at my nails and thinking how cute they are and how much I like being girly. Many of you may be thinking, "Yeah so? You ARE a girl." Well, yes but most of my life I have kind of bucked the idea of liking be a girl. I have gotten more in touch with this over the last several years, but really it just hit me today; I love being pretty and that is okay for me to want to be. I think I have held on to an idea that wanting to be pretty meant I was being shallow but now I see its about liking myself enough to put in the effort to look good and thus feel good.

Thanks so much for reading my blog!! Hugs!!