Today I decided to go visit the first house I lived in when I moved to California at 9 months. I lived there for 5 years or so and I have so many happy memories from there. In that house, I feel I was really me. Most of that time I lived there, my parents seemed to like each other and we felt like a family. First of all, the town I grew up in has changed so much it was hard for me find, but I finally did. It was oddly cleansing. I know weird word but that is how it felt. It was like I was able to remember the fun I had as a child and the joy I felt waking up each morning to play and live fully.
My Old House
I also drove by William's old house and the town a little bit. I marveled at how much the town and trees and everything had grown and changed. I have seen these things before but not in the way I did today. It occurred to me that change and growth is natural and healthy and that I have done myself a disservice by not allowing myself to grow and change.
As I began to leave town, I quickly turned onto the road with our town's cemetery. I almost forgot about it. I really enjoy walking through old cemeteries, looking at the head stones. as I walked around taking pictures (like I always do) I began to understand why I like doing this. I am fascinated by basically looking at how we (humans) remember and mark the dead. I have kind of been weirded out by this interest of mine, wondering if I wanted to be dead or something. No, I do not. But I am interested in humanity and how we deal with the experience of being human, and that's kind of cool. :) Actually, I have thought about making a coffee table book about cemeteries and today, I got a great idea of how to do it. So that was a bonus to the experience.
After I went to the hotel, I had to force myself to go out again. I planned to go on a few errands and then visit a wine tasting room. I did my errands and then went to the area of the tasting room and was so close to chickening out. It was a really, really busy part of the town I am in and I was sure I could not find parking. But low and behold, I found a spot and forced myself to get out of the car and walk to the tasting room. There were tons of people there. It is clearly a very popular place. The tasting room was in a little shopping area with a restaurant, and several little shops around a courtyard with a band playing.
I walked into the tasting room, up to the counter and asked for a glass for one for tasting. And amazingly, I had a wonderful experience. The guy who started pouring for me was friendly but not talkative. But he walked away and an other woman took over and she was lovely. We talked for a while and connected. She gave suggestions about where to go after I finished tasting and overall was a joy to talk to.
It was so wonderful to have this experience because I am so suspicious of people and their intentions. I distrust people and expect they will not be kind and open. Yet here was this woman so warm and friendly and welcoming to me, yeah me. it warmed me inside, kind of melting some of the coldness of my insides.
After, I went to dinner at a sushi restaurant which I have not eaten since William and I went to Japan. I was expecting it to be not so good, or at least not as good as Japan. Again, I was proved wrong. The meal was great and totally reminded me of Japan. It was so good!! I loved the food.
Now something else much be mentioned. After all the positive things I experienced that I mentioned above, there was still the same feeling all day that I had yesterday, a desire to share the experiences I was having with my spouse. I am glad to be out by myself so I can make decisions for myself and interact with people by myself to learn about people and the world and myself, but I miss William in so many ways. Good thing for me to see in such clarity.
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