Once again I decided to not do what I said I would do. As a gesture
of caring about myself and my marriage, I agreed to write one post per day for
30 days. This agreement cams about to
give me an opportunity to show my partner that I care about change, myself, and
the work he has done over the 27 years of our relationship, that I want to be
married. Yet here I am at day 29 with
only 19 posts (including this one). I did not write one post per day, and I did
not address this fact at all. Instead, I diluted myself into thinking that if I
got 30 posts by 30 days then I would have fulfilled the deal. But that is not
the deal I made.
Clearly, I am okay with not following through with my word especially
if I try to do it. I told myself another lie to make it okay but it is not
okay. It shows that even though I said I wanted to be something, I did not
really want to do it; I just wanted to make William happy with me in the moment
of our discontent. There was nothing
that stopped me from not fulfilling my agreement; I was not in a coma or in any
way otherwise incapacitated. I could have done the one post per day. I did not
because I did not want to. I wanted to fill my time with other “obligations”
that were nowhere near as important as the agreement I made in order to save my
marriage. I used the blog posting issue as an example of the many things I have
agreed to do yet never fully did, all things that could have moved me forward
and built trust with William.
Really I do not like me. Not following through with my word
has nothing to do with anyone but me. It
seems to me that I really don’t care about taking care of me, and doing the
things I need to do to feel good about myself. So I am in great need of the
people to accept me just the way I am because I need to accept myself that way.
Sadly, others, like William, get fucked over in my game of hide and seek, hide
from the truth and seek approval from others.
I have written many words so far on this blog yet I do not think
I actually believe them. If I did believe everything I had written, I would be
in a much better place right now. It is easy to say stuff yet not always as
easy to do.
Why do you refuse to change? Be true about this do you want to? No one can find you but you, let go of the hurt, anger and know you are worthy and deserving of happiness.
ReplyDeleteI have been very reluctant to believe I have a problem. It has been many years since I suffered from a very traumatic event and have been extremely good at disassociating from the truth. Unfortunately, this has resulted in me being in a bad place now. I do want to have a different result in my life so truly, that means I MUST change.
ReplyDeleteI have read this entry many times. It interests me because I do not like me either. Many people think I am this wonderful person but they do not know who or what I am. I know.
ReplyDeleteYou say you don't believe what you write but I think you do. As you have said in another blog entry. Acting is harder than talking about what you want. We want things in our lives, we just do not want to do the work to do them.