Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Really? Again?

Once again I decided to not do what I said I would do. As a gesture of caring about myself and my marriage, I agreed to write one post per day for 30 days.  This agreement cams about to give me an opportunity to show my partner that I care about change, myself, and the work he has done over the 27 years of our relationship, that I want to be married.  Yet here I am at day 29 with only 19 posts (including this one). I did not write one post per day, and I did not address this fact at all. Instead, I diluted myself into thinking that if I got 30 posts by 30 days then I would have fulfilled the deal. But that is not the deal I made.

Clearly, I am okay with not following through with my word especially if I try to do it. I told myself another lie to make it okay but it is not okay. It shows that even though I said I wanted to be something, I did not really want to do it; I just wanted to make William happy with me in the moment of our discontent.  There was nothing that stopped me from not fulfilling my agreement; I was not in a coma or in any way otherwise incapacitated. I could have done the one post per day. I did not because I did not want to. I wanted to fill my time with other “obligations” that were nowhere near as important as the agreement I made in order to save my marriage. I used the blog posting issue as an example of the many things I have agreed to do yet never fully did, all things that could have moved me forward and built trust with William.

Really I do not like me. Not following through with my word has nothing to do with anyone but me.  It seems to me that I really don’t care about taking care of me, and doing the things I need to do to feel good about myself. So I am in great need of the people to accept me just the way I am because I need to accept myself that way. Sadly, others, like William, get fucked over in my game of hide and seek, hide from the truth and seek approval from others.  

I have written many words so far on this blog yet I do not think I actually believe them. If I did believe everything I had written, I would be in a much better place right now. It is easy to say stuff yet not always as easy to do.  


  1. Why do you refuse to change? Be true about this do you want to? No one can find you but you, let go of the hurt, anger and know you are worthy and deserving of happiness.

  2. I have been very reluctant to believe I have a problem. It has been many years since I suffered from a very traumatic event and have been extremely good at disassociating from the truth. Unfortunately, this has resulted in me being in a bad place now. I do want to have a different result in my life so truly, that means I MUST change.

  3. I have read this entry many times. It interests me because I do not like me either. Many people think I am this wonderful person but they do not know who or what I am. I know.

    You say you don't believe what you write but I think you do. As you have said in another blog entry. Acting is harder than talking about what you want. We want things in our lives, we just do not want to do the work to do them.