Once again I decided to not do what I said I would do. As a gesture of caring about myself and my marriage, I agreed to write one post per day for 30 days. This agreement cams about to give me an opportunity to show my partner that I care about change, myself, and the work he has done over the 27 years of our relationship, that I want to be married. Yet here I am at day 29 with only 19 posts (including this one). I did not write one post per day, and I did not address this fact at all. Instead, I diluted myself into thinking that if I got 30 posts by 30 days then I would have fulfilled the deal. But that is not the deal I made.
Clearly, I am okay with not following through with my word especially if I try to do it. I told myself another lie to make it okay but it is not okay. It shows that even though I said I wanted to be something, I did not really want to do it; I just wanted to make William happy with me in the moment of our discontent. There was nothing that stopped me from not fulfilling my agreement; I was not in a coma or in any way otherwise incapacitated. I could have done the one post per day. I did not because I did not want to. I wanted to fill my time with other “obligations” that were nowhere near as important as the agreement I made in order to save my marriage. I used the blog posting issue as an example of the many things I have agreed to do yet never fully did, all things that could have moved me forward and built trust with William.
Really I do not like me. Not following through with my word has nothing to do with anyone but me. It seems to me that I really don’t care about taking care of me, and doing the things I need to do to feel good about myself. So I am in great need of the people to accept me just the way I am because I need to accept myself that way. Sadly, others, like William, get fucked over in my game of hide and seek, hide from the truth and seek approval from others.
I have written many words so far on this blog yet I do not think I actually believe them. If I did believe everything I had written, I would be in a much better place right now. It is easy to say stuff yet not always as easy to do.