I felt persecuted and paralyzed
Pink Floyd
Most of my life, I have had this
quote as my motto. I was not really aware of this fact most of the time and
even after I became aware of it, I have had a hard time letting go of the self-pity
that is wrapped up in living like this. It has become my blanket of comfort
regardless of whether or not it’s healthy.
The most stunning part of
realizing this is the fact that I have persecuted and paralyzed myself for so
long. Yes, it began because of something out of my control but at some point, I
became responsible for myself and have chosen to continue the cycle of abuse. Many
of my actions, when looked at objectively, are clearly actions of a person who
wants to ruin their life, i.e. lying, being irresponsible, smoking, starting
fights w/ William, my husband, etc.
I do not want to live like this
anymore. It is clear that it is not working out for me. This process will be a
challenge because I have not learned and/or practiced the skills needed to be
successful at leading an examined life. Yet I will not back down this time. I
am tired of backing down. It wears me down a little more each time I give up.
Even if I feel _______________, (fill in the blank because it doesn't matter
what it is) I will be persistent in reaching my goals.
Freedom and liberty are big issues for me. We all have obligations and commitments and we are all faced with an ever growing and intrusive government but on a personal basis you have to learn to know that you have some control over your life and that includes your happiness.
ReplyDeleteYou seem like a wonderful person and you have a good relationship with your husband. Cherish the things in your life that are good and focus on the positive rather than the negative.
Good Luck
Pat
Thank you for the kind words.
DeleteI think I need to focus on what I can change not what is out of my control. Focusing on the positive is important yet I also see the value in looking at what I do not like about in order to grow and change.
Jules I completely agree I am struggling a bit with some life changes and realities right now myself. I am encouraged by your progress and am so happy to read your words night after night. Keep it up. XOXO
ReplyDeleteGood for you! I am glad my words are inspiring. Sometimes I wish I could keep a running dialogue in my head of what I write here so I will stay on track. Having lived one way for so long makes new ways of wanting to be foreign and sometimes forgettable. I will keep at it until I succeed or die. :)
Delete