What I've Been Up To

Hello fellow humans. :)



So about five weeks ago, I started working on putting my life history together from ages six to fourteen. I searched through all the pictures I have from my childhood, which is a lot, and have been trying to put them in order. It has been very weird to try to put things together and see myself throughout the years. I am finding that I don't actually remember much about from ages 8ish to 11ish. Yet, I have had emotional reactions to many of the pictures, regardless of whether I actually remember the incident in the picture.

Then it occurs to me that memories are very subjective because they are filled with emotions. It is bizarre to look back at so many years and have so many questions about whether what I thought was happening was really happening. Like looking back at times I actually remember when I was really mad. After reexamining some of those memories, I can see that I was not that mad at the incident in the photo; I was really upset about what was happening in my family.

This lead me to reconsider how I had remembered and taken so many things in my life, a process which is still happening and I suspect will continue to happen for a long time. This is seemingly and hopefully a path to clarity about my reality and my perception.

I have struggled with depression since I was 7 or 8 yet I actually feel like I might just be at the beginning of the end of that kind of life. Yes very optimistic and very hopeful. But I am not stressing nor do I intend think I am all "fixed." This can be the beginning of a life where I am learning how to see who I am and what is real and what is important.



I hope all you fantastic readers are in good spirits.  Thank you for stopping by and reading my thoughts. I would love to hear what's up in your world!!


Hugs!!!

Avoiding

I just looked back at my posts and found that I have not done a post entirely dedicated to avoiding, which I find ironic. Of course, I would avoid writing about my avoiding. Many time I have said to myself that I am not good at anything but I was so wrong! I am fantastic at avoiding. It is something I have practiced since I was eight, and a practice I have held onto with a death grip ever since.

I  avoid many things but most importantly, I avoid looking at myself and seeing the whole of me. I only want to look at the good side of me and never the bad side of me. The bad side of me has a good sized list of things I have and haven't done that are distasteful and mean so I push it away.

It seems to me that this is the main source of my depression. If I will not look at the whole of me, I cannot change anything that makes me feel bad about myself. As of now, I have not been willing to really look at myself and thus change. This is ruining me yet     . . .                 I do nothing.

Yeah pretty good at avoiding , huh?

Do you avoid also?  How do you deal with it?

It is safe to say that avoiding things about yourself you don't like isn't going to help.

Let's all pledge to stop avoiding what needs to be addressed. I know, it seems hard, yet I bet you are like me (if you are an avoider) and you are making it more complicated than it really is in reality. I know I will struggle with this because I make things more complicated than they really are yet I can see the writing on the wall; its not what I want for my future. Thus I must stop avoiding. Period.

Hugs!!

What Do I Know?

I know that sounds like a personal insult but its not. What I mean by the title of this post is that I need to question what I think I know. I have been living with the influence of depression for many years thus it seems pretty likely that some of what I think about life is not based in reality.

I have had a hard time pushing my self to do the things I want to that are good for me, and allow me to feel good about myself. Many times, I see doing those things as a burden.  Doing good things for myself like doing yoga is a burden? Weird, huh? Also, many times I start doing good things like yoga and then stop. Both of these ways of thinking are depressive in nature and not healthy for me. So I have been trying to keep up with the things I want to do to take care of myself. I am not doing a lot of these things because I am still focusing on identifying whenever my depressive thoughts occur. But I am seeing that my focus can be on one thing, like looking at myself and the occurrences of depressive thinking, and also further myself along in my goals.

How do you handle taking care of yourself? Do you avoid taking care of yourself and busy yourself with other things?

On another note, yet related, I am saddened and angered at the suicide of Robin Williams. He suffered from depression and apparently had recently learned he had Parkinson's disease, and although all of that is quite a burden, I think he should have found a way to see the reasons he had to live. Depression is heavy and hard to deal with YET it is not a reason to take your life. I do not believe suicide is a sin; that is not where this thought is coming from. I actually believe if someone's quality of life has gotten really bad, that they should be able to end their life. But that does not seem to be the case for Mr. Williams. My heart goes out to his family. They are now the ones left with the burden of his absence.

Take care of yourself!! :)

I Under Estimate Its Sneakiness

The weird thing about depression is it sneakiness. :)  What I mean by this is that if I am not vigilant about what is going on with me and how I am choosing to live each day, each hour, then my depression will continue to be created and fed.

I have not been learning the skills needed to cope with and fight depression but I can and I will. The only reason depression can sneak up on me is because I deny its in my life.

OMG !! Writing this has been awkward and not clear. Blah . . .  Ok that's all for now basically.

How about you- does depression ever seem to "sneak up" on you?

Hope you are well  and in good spirits. :)

Depressive Thinking

I mentioned a workbook a few posts back, Antidepressant Skills Workbook, that I have been working with, and I wanted to share part of it with you. There is a section about Depressive Thinking and the antithesis, Realistic Thinking. I have been learning about the most common kinds of depressive thinking and what thinking in the opposite way looks like. Flashcards work for me to remember new vocabulary or in this case, phrases. I want to know each of these without having to refer to the book because I am tracking the frequency of these kinds of thoughts to help me be self-aware of how I am thinking. After thinking in depressive manners for so long, I usual don't see that I am having depressive thoughts. I am trying to see myself more clearly and see what patterns there are in my thinking so I am marking down in a little notebook each time I or my husband notices me thinking in one of these depressive ways. It will take time for me to get practiced at noticing it; I will get it. :)


So below is an excerpt from the workbook I mentioned. Its a long excerpt, but I think its worth a  read. You may be surprised to find that you, too, are sometimes thinking depressive thoughts. I have a lot of check marks in the Mind Reading one listed below.

Alrighty lovely people; I hope you are well and in good spirits!! Hugs!!


"Learn to identify depressive thoughts

Depressive thoughts are unfair and unrealistic. They are distorted because they are inaccurate reflections of how the world is or how you are. The table below describes some common forms of distorted thinking in depression.

Filtering.
In this kind of depressive thinking, you only look at the bad, never the good. Because all you see is the negative side, your whole life appears to be negative. But realistic thinking equally considers positive and negative aspects of your life.

Overgeneralization.
In this kind of depressive thinking, one negative event seems like the start of a never-ending pattern. If one friend leaves, they all will. If you fail the first time, you’ll fail every time. But realistic thinking recognizes that one disappointing situation does not determine how other situations will turn out.

All or Nothing Thinking.
You see the world in terms of extremes. You are either fat or thin, smart or stupid, tidy or a slob, depressed or joyful, and so on. There is no in-between. Gradual progress is never enough because only a complete change will do. “Who cares that I did half of it? It’s still not finished!” But realistic thinking sees people and events as falling somewhere between the extremes, towards the middle, where most things are found.

Catastrophizing.
A small disappointment is seen as though it were a disaster. For example, you were slightly late in completing a small project, so your entire month is ruined: you react to the imagined catastrophe (a terrible month) rather than to the little event (a late project). But realistic thinking sees events in their true importance, not overemphasizing negative events.

Labeling.
You talk to yourself in a harsh way, calling yourself names like “idiot”, “loser”, or whatever the worst insults are for you. You talk to yourself in a way you would never talk to anyone else. But realistic thinking doesn't use these kind of insults because they are not fair, you wouldn't talk to anyone else that way, and they are unnecessarily discouraging.

Mind-reading.
You feel as though you know what others are thinking about you, and it’s always negative. So you react to what you imagine they think, without bothering to ask. But realistic thinking recognizes that guessing what others think about you is likely to be inaccurate, especially when you are depressed.

Fortune-telling.
You feel as though you know what the future will bring, and it’s negative. Nothing will work out, so why bother trying? But realistic thinking recognizes that you don’t know how things will turn out: by staying open to the possibility of positive results, you’ll be more hopeful and more likely to make things better.

Perfectionism.
It’s only good enough if it’s perfect. And because you can’t make most things perfect, you’re rarely satisfied and can rarely take pride in anything. But realistic thinking gives credit for accomplishments, even if the result is less than perfect. Few of us reach perfection in what we do, but our achievements are meaningful.

Shoulds.
You think that you know how the world should be, and it isn't like that. You know what you should be like, and you aren't. Result: You are constantly disappointed and angry with yourself and with everyone around you. But realistic thinking understands the limitations of the world and of yourself — trying for improvement but also accepting how things are.

There are other types of depressive thinking, but these are some of the most common ones. When you catch yourself thinking depressingly, it can be useful to look at this list to see if you are using one of them."

Copies of this book can be downloaded at no cost from: www.bcmhas.ca or www.carmha.ca/publications.

Antidepressant Skills Workbook
by Randy Paterson PhD & Dan Bilsker PhD

So What's Going On With You? :)

I was checking my stats for this blog today, and I thought I would throw out an idea to anyone who might read this blog.

This blog is about me figuring out and the logging of my journey of dealing with my depression. Yet it occurred to me that it could be something else, too.

I am inviting anyone who reads this blog to share their own thoughts about their life, about depression, about joys, about anything you think someone else could benefit from reading. Share your story and help someone else not feel alone in their experience.

This came to me today because it is true that I am afraid of my depression.  I have some incorrect notions about what it means to be a person who suffers from depression, thus I am scared that if I admit I am depressed, it means I am bizarre and abnormal, and that makes me uncomfortable. :(

So if we all share more about ourselves with others, then we can feel less odd and alone in our world. I may not do a blog post very often, but I check for new comments everyday. SO if you leave your story, I will get it into the comments asap.

Personally, I have followed my self-destructive patterns again of starting something new and then putting it aside. I am not giving up though; I am assessing what I've been doing (with help form my amazing husband), revisiting my workbook, and adjusting what I have been doing that is not on target with the goals I have set.

Shit, reading that last part back makes me sound like I know what I am doing; far from it. I am blessed with a husband who is really on my side and is willing to call me on my bullshit. Thank all things big and small!!

Okay, so don't give up! I won't either.

Share what ever you'd like about you and your experience. Let's help each other!!

Hugs!!

Hi all! Since its been a while since the last post I wanted to just say a quick hello. I am continuing to learn about and work on my depression. I am beginning to see the patterns that have come from depression and am trying to break those patterns. A work in progress. :)

 I hope you are all doing well. Drop me a line and let me know how you are doing. Connections with others help me, and I know it can help others as well.

HUGS!!

Seeing The Tendrils of Depression

I have seen over the past few years that depression has a sneaky way of being all over the place and hard to detect just exactly where it will show up next. Its like depression is an octopus with a million legs that just worm their way out of or into so many unexpected parts of my life.  It really has been one of the biggest challenges of rising above the cloud of depression because I never know when the next moment of depression will arise.

This morning William and I were having breakfast, and I was talking about going out to lunch today with a friend of mine. She asked me to meet her at her house and so I assumed that she wanted us to drive to lunch together. All I have been thinking about since she said suggested and I agreed to meeting her at her house is how I can logically get out of driving together to lunch. Weird, huh? I mean I want to hang out with her and has some time to chat, but I just didn't want to drive together. Of course, I came up with the fact that I need to do errands after lunch. As I am talking with William this morning, I realized, "Oh there is depression again."  I have learned through years of being depressed that driving in a car with someone requires talking and allows for no escapes if something gets uncomfortable. Depression in my life has made this kind of thinking okay. This is not who I really am inside; I like talking with people, and it is only my depression that creeps in and makes me think I can't or don't want to be in this situation.

I am not my depression but man, it can be hard sometimes to see the difference, especially because I have lived with depression for so long. With it being in my life since I was 8 or so, I often get confused and feel that the depression is who I am, not a reaction to the life I lived as a child. So this morning's talk with William again helped me to see me, and really, I like me when I let her out to play and don't let the depression be me.

I am going to ride to lunch with my friend and not worry about what will happen. She is a fun person to hang out with and so am I, so it sounds like a recipe for fun to me!!

Thank you so much for stopping by and reading about me. :) I hope you are well and in good spirits! Remember to take care of you because no one can do it as well as you can!!!!!!!!!!

Hugs!!

New Workbook

If you have visited my blog before, you might have read that I am dealing with depression and have been for most of my life. Most of that time, I didn't really know that I was depressed. But now I do, and have been working and wishing to learn to manage my depression.

William found a really helpful workbook for me to use to help me with my depression. (The link to it is below.) I really like it! It make sense to me and is not overly complicated. It focuses on three main areas, reactivating one's life, changing unrealistic and unfair thoughts to realistic and fair thoughts, and problem solving. I have had a hard time with other books that are about dealing with depression because the things they said to do didn't make sense to me. This one gives solid actions to take, and actions that I see I really need to do, skills I need in my life.

I have only been doing it for a week and that is only a start. But I thought you might be interested in the workbook. I think it is worth a read for any one. It is very short, only 72 pages long.


http://www.comh.ca/publications/resources/asw/SCDPAntidepressantSkills.pdf

Alrighty everyone, I hope y'all are doing well and are taking care of  yourselves.

Thanks for stopping by!!  HUGS!!

Visiting My Parents

I am on a road trip with my spouse right now, and we are visiting both of my parents. My mom lives near San Francisco, and my dad and his wife live in southern Oregon which means that to visit them both in one trip meant a week long road trip for us.

We visited my mom first and spent about 2 days with her. We had a very nice time visiting and sharing our lives with each other.  Yet, it was so odd; I saw so many things she was doing that I am working on changing in me, i.e. making little things into catastrophes, saying that something in the future will for sure turn out bad, that people are out to screw her over, etc. She has been like this for years, yet it really stood out to me this time.

Then we came to visit my dad yesterday. We spent the last 2 days with him and his wife. Once again, I saw things he was saying striking me oddly. He said things that I have said that I think are my beliefs about myself like he noted that he always liked my hair short.

So what struck me so odd about what my parents said or how they acted was how many of those things I have associated with who I am. I have been telling myself that these traits are me and should be accepted as me, but it was creepy to hear my parents say these things, knowing what I have said and done in the past.

This is eye-opening for me. I would like to not be a collection of who my parents are; I want to be my own person. It is important for me to be aware that these ways of thinking and acting are not me but the behaviors and thoughts I learned from my parents. Yes, I have continued doing these things and believing these things, and it is now my responsibility to change them if I truly do not believe those things are true or right for me.

On another note, after hanging out with both of my parents, I realized I actually like both of them. For most of my adult life, I have said I don't really like my parents and that I did not want to spend time them, but this time, I felt differently. When I left each of them, I felt sad and felt like I want to see them again instead of just relieved to be done visiting them. Hhhmm fascinating how life changes. :)

Alrighty then people, hope you are taking care of you!

Hugs!!

Leg Update and Other Thoughts

  As you can see, I am up and walking now. WOOHOO!! It has been 9 months since I shattered my tibia, and I am now able to walk without a cane or other assistance. Pretty darn happy about that!! I have worked hard to help my leg get to where I am now, which is basically walking fairly normal, but limping sometime when I am tired and have used my legs a lot.  I still cannot run, or jump, but I plan to be able to both eventually. It has been quite a journey so far going from a wheel chair, to 2 crutches, to one crutch, to a 4 prong bottom cane, to a regular cane, and finally, now walking by myself. It has required so much patience an persistence that I have not  really shown myself to being able to do with many things in the past. But this situation has made me follow through. I wan to walk normally, and in order to do that, I have to not give up. I must work everyday at it and push myself even when it hurts. Such a life lesson- pushing one'e self even when it hurts. Maybe not always physically hurts like my leg but emotionally or psychologically as well. I have so much to learn in life, and I am sure I broke my leg to learn many lessons especially not giving up!!

I hope this post finds you well and in good spirits!!

Bug Hugs!!

Priorities

I am aware of what the word priorities means yet I really struggle with how to prioritize all the things I want to do in life. Right at this moment, as I type this, I am struggling with whether I should be doing a blog entry or finishing the shirt I am making for Nadine. It is hard for me to decide which activity I should do in each moment.

I decided to share this struggle with William (Nadine in guy mode) at dinner this evening, and he had a great analogy. He said I should look at it like a triage, as in which "patient" needs the most attention right now. It has been an interesting way to see the last couple of hours. I have many things I want to do all the time and often, I get stuck in the "what next?" phase and end up wasting time. So instead, I have, like I said, in the last 2 hours, been taking care of the next most needy "patient."

I see that I will still struggle in whether what I chose to do was the best choice, but at least, I can make a choice and do one thing I want. With each choice about what is next on the priority list, I suspect I will get more confident with my choices, thus making the next choice less "heavy."

Where are you with this? Do you have a hard time prioritizing, too? Do tell. :)

Hugs!!!

Thanks for stopping by!!!

Do You Say "I Don't Know"?

"I don't know."

How many times do you say this without even thinking first? It has been a go to response for me for years. I think I do it because I either don't care or I am unsure of what to say right away, and I think I will look weird if I don't respond right away. These things have clearly been depression.

Thinking about that today, it's bugging me. I don't like when people think I am incompetent yet I go ahead and say that which obviously says I am being incompetent. Depression allows me to act in ways that when talking about that characteristic in others bothers me.

My thought is to allow myself to slow down in my responses and think an answer through clearly. Now I do realize that I do not know everything and it is okay to admit it, but it will not sit well with me if I knee jerk a response of "I don't know."  To form new patterns, I plan to not answer with the same response. So if I am not sure about anything, I will be honest and say that I am not sure and then offer a thought I have about the situation.

Depression feeds on my insecurity and I want to starve my depression so I want to address this aspect of my insecurity (and all other aspects as they come up.)

So do use this response also?

Hope all is well in your part of the world! Hugs!!!

Journaling for Health

I started journaling a few days ago. I did not really know exactly what I was going to write in my journal except that it had to be about me. Journaling is sort of an odd idea to me, and I have resisted doing it even though I had read it is helpful with depression. I guess I have not wanted to write to myself, to face what's going on inside, and finally let go. 

Yet contrary to my thoughts about it, I have been enjoying writing to myself and want to continue. :) I think it can really help me to look more clearly at myself.  The other day I started writing about feeling like I am not being listened to, but by the end of the time I was writing, I saw that I was really upset about not being listened to by myself. 

It came through in the writing that I am really not upset at others for not listening to me; what was really pissing me off was that I do not listen to me.

Example:  I say I want to diet to lose weight, yet then I go and eat what ever I feel like. Well, there are many reasons that I want to be at a lower weight, like fitting back into many of my clothes, feeling sexier, feeling confident and strong. The writing helped me to see something important to me fighting depression. Because every time I decide to not listen to my own desires to be at a lower weight and eat, I do not like myself thus furthering, or feeding, my depression. 

This is making me want to look for other aspects of my life that are feeding the depression. so I will put in the effort to journal. I do want to beat depression and this could help.:)

Do you journal? What has it done for you?

Getting to Why I Started This

     

    So when I started this blog, I had intended to use it to help me get to living, instead of constantly running around just trying to keep up with life. But I have not wanted to see and deal with why I am constantly running. I have been suffering from depression since I was 8 and still do.  I have been so resistant to accepting this because I have felt this way for so long that it just seems normal, like it's just me. That, I have learned, is called dysthymia; one who suffers from chronic low levels of depression for so long that they think it is actually an aspect of their personality.

      But the issue has been and still continues to be a difficult aspect of this. I have acted this way for almost as long as I can remember and  now, I get very angry and defensive about aspects of depression that I think are "just me," such as liking to sleep a lot.

     It is hard for me to see myself as chronically depressed because I have a full time job where I am fairly successful and am a leader. Each day, I accomplish many things. In other words, I don't sit around all day unable to function, which is how I have always viewed depressed people.

      Yet if I look at a list of signs of depression, I exhibit all of them to some degree or another.  My husband has let me know our whole relationship that there has always been something below the surface, an unhappiness and unwillingness to want to go out and experience new things.

   Honestly, I am terrified of this diagnosis. I do not like the term "mental illness" and would rather run away from it all. But I am going to loose everything soon if I don't deal with it.

My Sporadic Habits

Well I think that if you come to my blog to read what is going on, you might notice that I am very sporadic in my posting and a little bit manic, too. Sometimes I have posted many things in a row and then other times, I post nothing. Aaaahhh the story of my life. I really lack a passion for living and the things I choose to do in my life. Yes, I do stuff like paint, sew, garden, read, etc, but none with a passion. I do not even treat my relationship with my husband with passion. I mean I do love him, but I am not really obviously passionate towards him. I love to paint but ask when I painted last and I could not tell you. It seems as though I am really trying to get through each day best I can but without any real attention to long term goals or plans. Once again, this way of living is showing it is a threat to my marriage.

Do you look around sometimes and think, "What the hell happened here? How is it I find myself with this life?"  Yeah well once again, here I am, not being able/willing to see the reality that is my life.  I find it weird that I am an intelligent person with a good career but acting in ways that are counter productive to what I think are my end goals, i.e. happily married, and personally fulfilled by successfully obtaining my own needs.

This internal angst has plagued me since 8 and yet I am unwilling to free myself from it. Oh, I will do it damn it!!! I have not come this far to fail at my life. Fuck that!!! (Pardon the f-bomb)

Hope you all are doing well out there. Remember, you have to meet your needs before you can even think of meeting anyone else's. (No, I have not succeeded in this yet, but it is good advice given to me by someone I love and trust. )

Hugs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

No I Did Not Fall Off the Planet ... Helloooo!

Well, it has been quite a while since I have written a post so I thought it was about time I got to it. I hope everyone is doing well, and thank you for coming back to check in with me.

The last 2 months have been full of physical therapy and getting back to work. My leg is progressing slowly but surely, and I am now walking with either one crutch or my four prong cane. I can even walk a bit without any aid; not too far, but some and that rocks!!

I went back to work in the beginning of January and am doing pretty well. It has been tiring but worth it!! It is great to be around people and be able to talk to people all day long. It is amazing how much being alone showed me that I like being around people, even with all their quirks and problems. :)

My last x-ray taken at the end of December (below) actually shows some change. It is the first one taken since I broke my leg (Sept. 1) that I could actually see a difference, which has been encouraging. I go this week to have another x-ray taken and am really excited to see how things are progressing.

Through out this experience, I find that I am still challenged by my fixed mindset and setting limitations upon myself. There has been some areas where I have been able to push my self and some areas where I am not. Yet after practicing a certain way of thinking and acting for so long, I do not always see what others can and am thankful I have my husband on my side to point out what I have chosen to be blind to. My goal is to, at some point, be able (or willing) to self-reflect well enough to not need his help. I will get there!!

Alrighty then people, hope you are taking care of yourself and enjoying life!!!!!!!!!!!!

BIG HUGS!!!!