A New Leg Update 11-22-13

Hello people. :) I wanted to give you an update on how things are going with my leg. I am so happy to report that I was given the okay to start physical therapy about three weeks ago. I have been 6 times and although it is no walk in the park, I love it! I also do the therapy work 2x's a day at home. Last week, I started walking with my crutches. That felt so weird after not walking for so long. It almost felt wrong, but after practicing, it fells right again. My leg is weak and felt like a bambi leg when I started but that too is getting stronger.  Yesterday, my surgeon told me I could get a cane. Woohoooo!!

In the last post, I showed you an x-ray from before I got surgery. The following are more x-rays of the progress that my leg has been making.

 October 14

 October 14

 October 31

October 31

It hard for me to see much difference from Oct. 14 to Oct. 31., but the surgeon saw enough of a difference to let me start therapy so woohoo!!  Now I am working on getting my leg strong enough to use only the cane. I get another x-ray in three weeks, and I am excited to see what that will show. :)

Thank you so much for stopping by and reading my blog. I hope you are all well and in good spirits. 

Giant Hugs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes I Am Alive :)

Hello everyone! Thank you to all of you who have been checking back with my blog even though I haven't posted in so long. :) It is about time I let you all know what has been happening. I thought pictures would help me to update you.

 So here I am at the hospital the night I fell. My leg doesn't look that bed, huh? I swear I thought I had dislocated my knee. But no, I shattered my tibia at the top of the bone right under my knee. If you look at the x-ray closely, you can see I broke the tibia is about 4 or 5 places.

After having x-rays, the doctor said I needed surgery and after a bit, he set me up to stay the night in the hospital and have surgery the next morning. I was so happy he helped me to get the hospital room and surgeon so quickly, especially because the next day was Labor Day. He wrapped me up and set me to bed. 

The next day I had surgery in the morning, which was the first surgery I had ever had and I was scared. I hadn't cried at all before the surgery but right before, I was really scared and was crying. But after a couple of hours in surgery, I came out fixed and just fine. I stayed in the hospital for 3 days on a bunch of morphine (my first time I have ever had that) and then went home. Luckily, my insurance provided me a hospital bed, crutches, and a wheelchair. So I came home and rested a lot the first couple of weeks. My whole leg and foot were really swollen and bruised for a while. 

I have been out of work for 2 months now and will have to be out for another 2 months and that is hard. I miss working and people. I has been quite a journey so far. For a while, I had a nurse coming to my house to check on me, my bandage was changed several time, I had my staples taken out (all 30 of them, yes 30), and am almost ready to start physical therapy.

Leg with staples

Leg after staples came out

My leg today

Alrighty so that's a short review of what's happened over the last 2 months. I will post more about all of this soon. Thanks to all of you for visiting again. I promise to not let so long go by between posts. This all has been a very emotional experience and I let all those feelings get in the way of sharing. I will share that aspect of this experience too. 

I hope you are all well and in good spirits!! Giant hugs!!!!

Left Turn From Life

Sunday I fell while out dove hunting and hurt myself pretty bad. I shattered the top section of my tibia and had surgery on Monday morning. I am 2 days into being home and have spent every moment healing and figuring out how to negotiate my house with a wheel chair and crutches.

I am still in pain and will be for quite awhile but I wanted to say hi and I am still here. If you want to read the whole story of what happened, go to the following post at my wife's website.

http://www.unordinarystyle.com/2013/09/can-i-get-some-worldwide-support-for-my.html?m=0

Hugs to All!!!

Time, Energy, & Effort

Wow isn't it amazing how quickly time flies? I realized that it has been a while since I wrote a post. Life has been really full lately and I love it! For once, the idea of having many things on my plate at a time is not intimidating; its invigorating. No I have not gotten everything on to my plate that I want to, but I am getting there.  I actually believe that with time, and energy, and effort, I can achieve all that I want to. It has been a long time, or maybe never before, that I have felt really capable of achievement like I do now.

Now, I am working to keep myself in check in terms of not thinking that I got it and I do not need to keep working on practicing growth mindset. That is something will practice for as long as I live, and hopefully, through practice, by the time I die, I can say I am proud of what I have done with my life.

So how are things going in your world?

Big Hugs!!

Challenges

I was just doing some research online for a project I am thinking about taking on at work. Really, I have no idea what the process is to accomplish this so I Googled it and found information. But I began to read it and realized I had no idea what the hell it was talking about. Awkward! I mean, I understood the words I was reading yet how go about the process is escaping me.

I felt like running away from it so I decided to come here and blog. Yes, I did stop working on it to write this. Yet I know that this time, I am going to finish this and go right back to rereading the information I found until I can make sense of it. If I can figure it out, it will benefit my clients.

The situation I am in right now has come up before and way more often than not, I have decided to not take it on because I thought I might fail. I am tired of backing down. I can figure this out and when I do, I will have one more piece of evidence for myself that I am putting in time, energy, and effort into me.

How do you deal with trying new things or taking on new challenges?

Hugs!!

Hello Again!!

It has been awhile huh? In the past, my absence from writing a post was usually because things were not going well in my life. I was running from the responsibilities in my life and felt each thing was a burden. Recently, with the information I have been learning about mindset, I've been looking and dealing with the world with a new eye. I cannot say I am done with anything because for the first time I am not looking for done; I am looking for how much time, energy, and effort I put in.

At the end of the day, I have been looking at myself and I can say I see more time and energy and effort being put into the things I want. There is some peace in having evidence for myself that I can approach the world differently.  I now see I have the rest of my life to get better and to put time, energy, and effort into all of my goals.

Interesting?! What do you think about mindset? Do you struggle with this also?

(For more information about mindset, you can go to Carol Dweck's website.  http://mindsetonline.com/ )

HUGS!!

Home & Growing

I got home on Tuesday and have spend the last several days reconnecting with William. We had not spent more than a few hours together for almost 8 full days so I really missed him and wanted to just be together.

It has been so nice yet in coming back together after our little hiatus, there have been a few clear tells that of course I do not have a growth mindset at this point. This makes sense because I have just started making an effort to change my mindset from fixed to growth.

Interestingly, it is my fixed mindset frustrating me because I want to be able to do it now. But that is a classic fixed mindset way of thinking, and I must challenge myself to see when I am acting or thinking in the fixed mindset so I can do or think in a growth mindset instead. The fixed mindset had been my way for a long time so I am going to still be in it sometimes, but I have been and am going to continue looking where the fixed mindset is popping out to learn from those times and grow into growth mindset.

My Wanderings

Today is the last day of my alone vacation. I decided I wanted to go to Berkeley and wander around where William and I used to go to when we were in high school in the late 80's. I looked up online and saw that there were several stores still there that we used to go to. 

One of those stores is Anapurna, an eclectic little place that always smells like incense. It was still there and of course I perused the shop and talked to the guy working there about how long they have been on Telegraph Ave. He said they had been there in that spot since 1969; a lot longer than I have been going there. 

I also visited a used book store (bought a book, of course), a bunch of random places, and got hungry. There are 2 giant slice pizza places on Telegraph, Fat Slice, and Blondies. I got to Fat slice first so I ate there. So good and a huge slice of pizza that I could not finish. It is an odd experience to eat out by yourself. I have done it before this trip but this trip, I noticed how few people eat alone. Its odd. I read or used my iPad while eating out on this trip, but I also spent sometime talking to the workers at the restaurants. I enjoyed interacting with different kinds of people. 

I have always loved going to Telegraph Ave in Berkeley because of the street jewelers, artists, and vendors. There were over 10 different people's work to look at today, which is not a lot for there, but was still fun. While walking the street I bought a ring and a pair of earrings. Oddly, I found a store that was all products from Japan, like actual products with the product names in Japanese. It was like walking into a store in Japan and brought back memories of our visit to Japan. 

Overall I liked revisiting a place I spent time at when I was younger. Weirdly, it made me think about my fixed mindset and how I at one point would have never gone to Telegraph by myself. I was nervous today as well but as I walked around, I saw that me having a fixed mindset causes those sort of unsure feelings. Why not just enjoy the world and the people? And so I did! 

And it must be said again. Everything would have been so much more fun and enjoyable if William/Nadine had been there too. We talked last night and both agreed that we like doing things with each other much more than doing it alone. I am very happy I took this trip to take time to look at myself yet I missed my spouse very much. :) 

Hugs!!

Rethinking

I have been reading more about mindset lately. The book I am reading is Mindset: The New Psychology of Success by Carol Dweck, Ph.D. You should all totally read this book!! Really, it is an amazing look at how people look at the world. 

The last 5 years William and I have discussed so much about my childhood and family life yet nothing has really changed in my behavior and thinking. Yet the information this book is talking about the fixed and growth mindsets is so reveling about my behavior. As I read this book, I see myself over and over in the examples of a fixed mindset. 

So here is where I am going to put my focus: changing my mindset from fixed to growth. I am going to finish reading this book, and as I am reading, I plan to answer the questions she offers up at the end of each chapter as an exploration of myself. 

As always, I will keep you updated.

BTW, I am still out and about in the world by myself. Today was more of a mellow day. I went out eat for lunch and had a lovely talk with my waitress Vanessa about life and reading. I hurt the back of my thigh while running this morning so I didn't so much. I read a lot of the book I was talking about. I dyed my hair. I also had a wonderful conversation with William. Near my hotel is a dive burger joint I got dinner from, which was great. I am going to go home on Tuesday but before that, I am going to Berkeley, a place William and I used to go to a lot in high school. I'll let you know how it goes. :) 

Hugs!!

Out and About Updated W/ Pics

Today I decided to go visit the first house I lived in when I moved to California at 9 months. I lived there for 5 years or so and I have so many happy memories from there. In that house, I feel I was really me. Most of that time I lived there, my parents seemed to like each other and we felt like a family. First of all, the town I grew up in has changed so much it was hard for me find, but I finally did. It was oddly cleansing. I know weird word but that is how it felt. It was like I was able to remember the fun I had as a child and the joy I felt waking up each morning to play and live fully.

My Old House

I also drove by William's old house and the town a little bit. I marveled at how much the town and trees and everything had grown and changed. I have seen these things before but not in the way I did today. It occurred to me that change and growth is natural and healthy and that I have done myself a disservice by not allowing myself to grow and change.

As I began to leave town, I quickly turned onto the road with our town's cemetery. I almost forgot about it. I really enjoy walking through old cemeteries, looking at the head stones. as I walked around taking pictures (like I always do) I began to understand why I like doing this. I am fascinated by basically looking at how we (humans) remember and mark the dead. I have kind of been weirded out by this interest of mine, wondering if I wanted to be dead or something. No, I do not. But I am interested in humanity and how we deal with the experience of being human, and that's kind of cool. :) Actually, I have thought about making a coffee table book about cemeteries and today, I got a great idea of how to do it. So that was a bonus to the experience.

After I went to the hotel, I had to force myself to go out again. I planned to go on a few errands and then visit a wine tasting room. I did my errands and then went to the area of the tasting room and was so close to chickening out. It was a really, really busy part of the town I am in and I was sure I could not find parking. But low and behold, I found a spot and forced myself to get out of the car and walk to the tasting room. There were tons of people there. It is clearly a very popular place. The tasting room was in a little shopping area with a restaurant, and several little shops around a courtyard with a band playing.

I walked into the tasting room, up to the counter and asked for a glass for one for tasting. And amazingly, I had a wonderful experience. The guy who started pouring for me was friendly but not talkative. But he walked away and an other woman took over and she was lovely. We talked for a while and connected. She gave suggestions about where to go after I finished tasting and overall was a joy to talk to.

It was so wonderful to have this experience because I am so suspicious of people and their intentions. I distrust people and expect they will  not be kind and open. Yet here was this woman so warm and friendly and welcoming to me, yeah me. it warmed me inside, kind of melting some of the coldness of my insides.

After, I went to dinner at a sushi restaurant which I have not eaten since William and I went to Japan. I was expecting it to be not so good, or at least not as good as Japan. Again, I was proved wrong. The meal was great and totally reminded me of Japan. It was so good!! I loved the food.

Now something else much be mentioned. After all the positive things I experienced that I mentioned above, there was still the same feeling all day that I had yesterday, a desire to share the experiences I was having with my spouse. I am glad to be out by myself so I can make decisions for myself and interact with people by myself to learn about people and the world and myself, but I miss William in so many ways. Good thing for me to see in such clarity.

Alone- Take It or Leave It?!

Today was the first day of my road trip and it went pretty good. After having lunch with Nadine and switching cars, I drove for a while then got a room. It was kind of hard to force myself to go out somewhere to eat, but I did. I also decided to see a movie. I was a little early so I sat and listened to a band playing outside the movie theater.

It was an odd experience. I enjoyed the whole evening: the food was good, the band was fun, and the movie was funny, but I really felt something was missing the whole time. It was someone to share with. I found myself going to say something, or share something, but I had no one to talk to or share with. In the past, when I had times by myself and felt this, I just got sad. But I am trying to look at this objectively this time to try to learn something about myself. So this time when I saw I was looking for William to share with or talk to, I looked at myself and realized this shows I do want a partner, and a companion. In the past, I have acted in ways that indicated I wanted to be alone, as though sometimes I am just annoyed with having someone around. I am really questioning that today on a whole new level. I am really thinking that this attitude of wanting to be alone is part of my fixed mindset; I have thought for so long that wanting to be alone was part of my personality. Ahhhh fixed mindset!

Since today is the first day out and about, that's all I have to say so far. I'll be back. (hee-hee)

Hugs!!

Fear or Not?

I am so sick of being afraid. It has consumed so much of my time, and it is starting to piss me off. I am about to go on my first road trip by myself, and it has been wigging me out all day. Now, as I went to write this, I realize that I am just not okay with feeling this way. What is so scary about going out into the world and checking it out? Nothing really. So what the hell is up?

Looking inside, I see that I am not sure of what to do, where to go, or of making decisions on my own. I have spent the last 27 years hanging back and letting William plan our trips. I always said it was because I didn't really care where we went, that I just liked going. But really it had and has to do with the fixed mindset of thinking that no choice is better than a bad choice.

Its been interesting to read about the fixed and growth mindset. I am seeing myself over and over in the discussions about people with a fixed mindset. And that fixed mindset is what is affecting me today.

But I will not accept going with fear. I am going to go out there, do stuff, talk to people, basically put myself out there. And I am going to do all by myself. I need to see the world alone. I want to interact with world alone so I can decide what I want from life. Why might I say this? For so long, I have said that I want to be married yet I have done actions that show the contrary. I have never really been alone out in the world.

Soooo I guess I will see how it goes! I am excited and ready. :)

HUGS!!

Silence

"And since your history of silence
Won’t do you any good,
Did you think it would?"

Brave by Sara Bareilles 

Yeah unfortunately I thought silence would do me good. I practiced silence since I was at least 8. Not literally silent but I never talked about anything real with anyone. Seriously no one about anything real. I was really good at being social and popular but if I look back at my life and my friends and family, I swear I do not remember being open or honest with anyone. 

All this has done is make me very suspicious of other people and their motives. Being superficial, which is what I have practiced by not being real, has made me think that others are not presenting themselves honestly. 

I want to take people at face value which means I am going to need to put myself out there at face value, really my face, not what I usually do which is to show a mask. I am a little nervous about doing so but I am going to do it. 

HUGS!!

Beliefs??

I have spent most of the last two days by myself, and I think at one time, I would have said that I wanted time by myself. But its not really what it seems like it would be. All this makes me think about is all the other things I thought I wanted or liked. What is my real motivation behind those wants or likes?

So much of my life has been spent not looking at myself, at my choices, really at my life. I have skated on notions that I set into motion when I was 7 or 8 and have just KNOWN that I was right in my beliefs. Even with all the signs in my life over the years, I have been unwilling to budge on those beliefs. Something inside said I had to hold onto those beliefs because they were what I used to get through the cold of my childhood family.

William has been talking to me about this for so long, about questioning myself and trying to grow. I have so many times said to him I understand and I wanted to be this kind of person and I was going to do something about it. Yet never did.

I have come to a palpable low point in my life. In the past, I have wallowed around in the low and taken a few steps up, just enough to move out of severe depression.

I cannot any more. Today I take the opportunity.

What??!! WAKE UP!!

I woke up today after sleeping too long and missing Nadine leaving for her appointment to pick up her new wig and go to her first hair cut appointment. My alarm did go off but somehow I managed to turn down the volume in the night because I know I checked it before I went to sleep. This after spending the day fighting with William all day. Needless to say, I woke up with a rude awakening that my life is a mess. I thought, as I have so many times before, that things were going well with where I was then life let me know that I have once again been lying to myself. I have a history of lying to myself and being pretty convincing.

Overall I thought I had a grip on what is going on with me and then I see, no way am I seeing what I do. I am unwilling to commit to anything that will help me like journal writing or following a self-help program. I am only willing commit to anything that will hurt me like smoking, or watching a lot of TV. I constantly give up on the very things that could help me move forward and stop causing problems in my life.

Bad things are here and are only going to get worse if I choose to look the other way yet again. I cannot keep living like what I do doesn't matter and doesn't effect me and others. I do want to be happy and peaceful and honestly, I am the ONLY one who is stopping me.

I am going to help myself if it is not too late.  I will keep you updated. :)

I wish you big hugs and peace.

Mindset

Have you ever considered your own mindset? Over the years, William and I have had many discussions about beliefs and ways of thinking, and he came across a term to explain what we've talked about, mindset. He is taking an internet math class, and the teacher spoke about a book about mindset. She explained some of the book stating that studies have found that people fall into two kinds of mindset, either a fixed mindset or a growth mindset.

We talked about this idea this morning and that it has been an difference between us for many years. I have clearly been of the fixed mindset, and William is clearly of the growth mindset. Basically the difference is that fixed mindset people think they are who they are and are not able to really change whereas growth mindset people think they are malleable beings who can change and learn.  Now this makes it sound like I think I cannot learn which is not true. I do believe I can learn and have learned many things over the years, but I have been very resistant to internal change, like being able to change my disposition and attitude toward others and myself. I have stated many times that I am who I am, and William has noted to me that I could change if I am unhappy (which I am). Yet I always said no I can't be something else. Ahhh the fixed mindset!

This is not the person I want to be. I would rather be a person who can see the areas of growth I have and enthusiastically go after growing opportunities. It seems to me that looking at life this way can be an amazing and freeing. More opportunity and less burden! :)

Hugs!!

Pretty Nails

Nadine and I went to have our nails done today. We do this often and lately we have been getting gel nail polish, which if you have never done, you should really try it. It lasts for a long time without chipping. It usually lasts 2 weeks or longer. Anyway, as we were going today I decided to ask for the polish you see above. That in itself is hard for me to do, asking for what I really want. And that is what I thought I was going to write about but after getting the nail job, I realized something; I love being pretty.

I keep looking at my nails and thinking how cute they are and how much I like being girly. Many of you may be thinking, "Yeah so? You ARE a girl." Well, yes but most of my life I have kind of bucked the idea of liking be a girl. I have gotten more in touch with this over the last several years, but really it just hit me today; I love being pretty and that is okay for me to want to be. I think I have held on to an idea that wanting to be pretty meant I was being shallow but now I see its about liking myself enough to put in the effort to look good and thus feel good.

Thanks so much for reading my blog!! Hugs!!

Being An Adult

Hello all!! Its been a little bit since I have written; we have been out enjoying the world camping again. Had a great time, even though it was not as warm as it was the first time we went camping a couple of weeks ago. One of the reasons it was so great was an agreement we made with each other 5 to 6 weeks ago.

William and I made this agreement, which is a solution to an issue we have struggled with our entire relationship.  Basically we would agreed to be equally responsible for the issue in a way that left no  room for misunderstanding. Now, we have agreed to other things in the past, but I have not have followed through with my part of the deals. This happened for many reasons I do not need to go into (my personal problems). But this time, this deal, I have been doing my part and it has greatly bettered our relationship. It has not been hard; in fact, it has been easy and enjoyable. I look forward to my turn in our deal. It has been a month or so since we started and its going strong!!

Since that agreement we made one other agreement about keeping up our house better. Nothing major just if you take it out, put it away. Sounds so simple yet we just tended to leave stuff out for longer than it needed to be out. Then over time we'd look around and find the house all sorts of cluttered and need to spend time cleaning up after ourselves, putting stuff away that we should have just put away after we used it. We have been both doing this for a few weeks now and it is awesome. I find I have time to do more things every day because I am not looking around and needing to pick stuff up.

Being an adult requires agreements with oneself, and with others. Looking at myself, I have seen that I have not been an adult. I have not been willing to make and stick to any sort of agreements, as though I would be selling myself out by doing so. Instead I have found it to be liberating. I am not stupid and think I will be perfect at this agreement thing right away but I will get better.

Following Through

Ok so a bit ago William suggested that we got to LA for a day trip to do a few things like Nadine trying on wigs she's interested in, and going to Chinatown to get lunch. At first I was reluctant but then I thought about what I could do there too. After many months of researching dress forms, I thought it would be a good idea to look at some in person and figured LA would be a good place to look around.

With William's help, I found a couple of places to go look around. We went to LA, and Nadine tried on several wigs to help in her research of which one to buy next, which was fun! Then we went to look at dress forms at a dress form company, PGM Pro. I was able to ask tons on questions and got them all answered. The associate was extremely helpful and friendly. As we were there, she showed us a "floor model" which was a regular dress form with a defect. I was thinking, "I don't want a dress form with a defect." Then she showed us the defect, and it was so ridiculously small that I was shocked when she told me it was half price.  After I asked more questions and took a picture of the dress form floor model, we left and went to the car. At the car we discussed it, and even though I had no intentions of buying, we decided it was too great of a deal to pass up. So we went back, and I bought it!!! I am so happy !! I have been wanting this for a long time and am thrilled to find the dress form I found and at such a great price!

Now, I understand that with great purchases comes great responsibility (to steal from Spiderman). I bought this dress form and now I have to prove to myself that it was worth the money. I already have cloth pinned on it, and I really want to show myself that I can follow through with what I start!!

Hope you're well!! Hugs!!!

Trying Something New

William and I went camping last week for 5 days. It was fantastic! Days were spent fishing, eating, swimming, kicking back, rafting, and playing games. We decided to stop and stay at a spot down a little hill on the side of the road, not  a "real" camp site but clearly a place people had stayed before. It really was set up as though it was meant for us and our camping gear. 

We both really enjoy fishing and this spot was right on the river. There was a sweet fishing spot that we kept getting fish from right down at the river by our spot. I caught some fish and strung them so they could stay alive in the river. I kept fishing and checked on my fish later. They died and where being eaten by crayfish. I kinda got mad and shooed them away. I took the fish, and we fed them to the dog. The next day, I caught another fish, and it too got eaten by crayfish. Then it occurred to me; I am out there fishing for food so why not fish for crayfish. I left the fish in the water and netted 4 crayfish. I had to sneak up and come at them from behind because I discovered they swim backwards. Having caught these things, I had to cook them, which I knew nothing about. 

I figured I could boil them like little lobsters, and it worked out pretty good. We had boiled crayfish with garlic butter and it was pretty good!!

It was really joyful to try something so out of my box, and I am encouraged to do more. :) 

Do you try things out of your box??

Making Sure I Do What I Want To Do

It seems odd when I think about not doing things I want to do. I mean why would someone not do what they like to do. Yet I find myself not following through with the things I say I want to do in life.

My contract with myself, my list of personal responsibilities, is helping me to look at what I am doing every day. I have only been doing it for 4 days and know it will take some time to really have some good, solid data about how I spend my time. So far, I have seen that I do not do all the things I think I do, and I could do more with each day if I planned my time better. Yet I have also been able to see that I am productive and do want to feel good with myself at the end of each day.

Apparently, I have had the desire inside of me all along yet I have been too busy being hurt and upset to notice. Although I am upset with myself for not being willing accept and deal with the sadness and anger before now, I am thrilled that I can now see that I do want; yes just want.

Time will show where I go with this. I will keep you updated on the path this takes me on. :)

First Weight Update

Its been about a month since I posted the first pictures and discussion about my weight. I thought it was about time to give an update. Since the last posting about my weight, I have lost 5 lbs. I am happy that I lost some weight, and I think I look a little better. :)

Yet if I had really dedicated myself to losing weight, I could have lost more.

What I am focusing on, with weight being one piece, is my own contract with myself. We all choose what we are responsible for whether or not we actually follow through with those choices. Weight is on my self made list of responsibilities whether I pay attention to it or not. Its on my mind somewhere which means I care about it. Therefore, my personal happiness requires me to pay attention and do something about my weight, and the other things on my list.

The path the my happiness:

             choose to care about what I care about by doing something about the things I care about.:)

Hope you're well!! Thanks for visiting!

Hugs!!

My Spouse & I

Last night, William decided to dress as Nadine for dinner and after. He went into the back of our house to take a shower and came out dressed in the cutest outfit, a new one. She looked so cute so I mentioned before my shower that maybe she should put on makeup and her wig so I could take a picture for her to put on her blog, Unordinary Style. After my shower, I sat down by Nadine, and it occurred to me that I really wanted a picture of Jules and Nadine to put up here on my blog. So I asked her if she would be willing to do that with me. She asked why.

I paused and then answered from the heart: I am proud to be her wife and proud that she is my wife.

I went and got dressed up. We took some cute pictures in our back yard. I am glad that I asked to do this because I am really proud of my spouse. It has been work for Nadine to look the way she does and feel the way she does about herself and come out so confident and beautiful!

In everyday life, I want William/Nadine to know that I care and that I do love all aspects of the person I married.  He has inspired me to be the best me possible, and I am so grateful to get to experience life with such a fantastic partner!!

Reflections on "Really? Again?"

The last blog that I posted left an impression out in the world that I do not like. There was an implication in it that I was forced to do the 30 day posting challenge by my husband, to make him happy, or prove something to him.

That is so far from the truth!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The truth is I have really been struggling in my life for many years, and I have been saying that want to change for a long time now. Yet I often articulate to my husband that I can’t seem to figure out how to make my life better. Being as wonderful and supportive as he is, he is constantly giving me ideas of what I could do to help myself. That is how the 30 day challenge came about. I was begging for help, and he was gracious enough to again try to help me. He suggested that I work on various aspects of my life and keep a blog as record for what I have tried, what worked, what didn't work, what I reflected on, and then modified. This sounded like a wonderful idea, and I full heartedly decided, on my own accord, to embark on this journey.

The post came out the way it did because I  have not  clearly seen how I maneuver in the world, with subtle intentions of getting people to feel sorry for me because I was so hurt as a child and feel I deserve peoples sympathy; basically, I am a sympathy farmer. Not being willing to see this has allowed me to act in ways that constantly and under the radar garner people’s sympathy for me. 

SO let’s be clear. I am never forced to do anything in my life! Thankfully, I have been blessed with a man who is a warrior on my behalf. He so much wants goodness and peace for me and has always stood by me, encouraging me to love me and life, even when I have tried to shove him away with all my might.

I do not know anyone who has what I have had: a person who looks out for my best interest even when (and often especially) I did not care about it myself. 

Thank you William!!!! I am not sure I would be alive right now if you hadn't given me so much support and help.  :) 

Really? Again?

Once again I decided to not do what I said I would do. As a gesture of caring about myself and my marriage, I agreed to write one post per day for 30 days.  This agreement cams about to give me an opportunity to show my partner that I care about change, myself, and the work he has done over the 27 years of our relationship, that I want to be married.  Yet here I am at day 29 with only 19 posts (including this one). I did not write one post per day, and I did not address this fact at all. Instead, I diluted myself into thinking that if I got 30 posts by 30 days then I would have fulfilled the deal. But that is not the deal I made.

Clearly, I am okay with not following through with my word especially if I try to do it. I told myself another lie to make it okay but it is not okay. It shows that even though I said I wanted to be something, I did not really want to do it; I just wanted to make William happy with me in the moment of our discontent.  There was nothing that stopped me from not fulfilling my agreement; I was not in a coma or in any way otherwise incapacitated. I could have done the one post per day. I did not because I did not want to. I wanted to fill my time with other “obligations” that were nowhere near as important as the agreement I made in order to save my marriage. I used the blog posting issue as an example of the many things I have agreed to do yet never fully did, all things that could have moved me forward and built trust with William.

Really I do not like me. Not following through with my word has nothing to do with anyone but me.  It seems to me that I really don’t care about taking care of me, and doing the things I need to do to feel good about myself. So I am in great need of the people to accept me just the way I am because I need to accept myself that way. Sadly, others, like William, get fucked over in my game of hide and seek, hide from the truth and seek approval from others.  

I have written many words so far on this blog yet I do not think I actually believe them. If I did believe everything I had written, I would be in a much better place right now. It is easy to say stuff yet not always as easy to do.  

Those Darn Walls

Ever wonder about the walls you have? Don’t think you have any, huh? I think if I were to ask if someone if they thought they had walls up around them, they would be inclined to say no. But after some reflection, it seems to me that most people would discover they do have walls that they use to protect themselves from something.

In a previous post, Barriers to Love, I referred to the walls I have in my life. Today, I wanted to explore that a little more. Here it goes. Let’s see where this leads.  J

I grew up never considering myself a hider. Truly, I thought I was outgoing and friendly. I had a lot of friends, played sports, starred in musicals, did cheer leading, was a Girl Scout, and more.  My mom involved me and encouraged me to be in many activities. Yet looking back, I can see that I hid right out in the open.  Doing all that stuff was me desperately trying to be normal and not let anyone know how messed up I felt inside. I never talked to anyone about what was going on at home.

So what was going on at home? (I didn’t really know this is where this was going but what the hell?) When I was young, as I have mentioned, things were pretty good at home. But when I was about 3 or 4, my mom got pregnant. (BTW I did not find out about this whole story until I was 18.) My parents had tried to get pregnant for years but with no luck, which is why they adopted my brother (2 ½ years older) and me. When my mom got pregnant, they decided that having another baby was not in their plans. The plan was, as best as I can understand, was that my mom would have an abortion and my dad would get a vasectomy.  Well, it seems that they were pretty messed up because neither one could figure out how to make that agreement work.  It seems like my mom was more unreasonable than my dad. But basically, my mom made an appointment for the abortion, and my dad could not make it because of his work. My mom did not reschedule, and he missed it. She was very resentful; sadly, she still is 37 years or so later.  She says he did not get a vasectomy for a year after that and that she would not sleep with him all that time.  I do not think I have the whole story, though.

My dad says they went to counseling, but my mom has no recollection of that. This makes me believe she has distorted the truth with the anger she has towards my dad. Eventually this led my mom to move out of my parent’s room into her own room when I was 8. Shortly after, my brother and I found papers that indicated that she was thinking about divorce.  After finding that, my brother said outright that we will never talk about what we found and I didn't.

The walls had started before then because my parent’s problems pervaded our home, but after that crap, I actively built walls to hide what I knew and what I felt. It is weird to think that I never talked to anyone about what I was going through, but truly, I did not talk to anyone until I met my husband and even then, it took years for me to open up at all.

Walls are crazy because people create them for a purpose which does serve us for a while. I surely did that. Yet eventually, those same walls inhibit us from growing and becoming all that we can be.  I am challenging myself to tear down those walls, one brick at a time or more if I can.

How are your walls doing? Intact or beginning to come down or all the way down?

New Experience

I have these moments when I think I cannot, cannot change something,cannot do something, cannot say something.

William invited me to go with him on a business trip, a rarity in his profession, and at first, I said no. Really I said no because I have never done something like that. When he has gone away before, I just stayed home and did whatever.  What was I going to do in a strange city by myself? Well after thinking about it and realizing I was afraid to be on my own, I decided I had to go. So I did some research and found some things I was interested in doing. and some things that we could choose to do the first day we got there. (We had some free tie the first day.)

This was not something i usually do, research that is. I tell myself I like to just wing it but really that is not the truth. I think I have just been relying on William to plan things for us instead of taking an active role. Yet I wanted to take a new role, so I found 3 places that looked like stuff we like to do, 2 museums and a zoo, and I found a few things I like doing, nail places, shopping, and an old cemetery.

We went on Saturday and chose one of the places I researched on the way there. We went to the Crocker Museum. It was wonderful! We were able to walk there from the hotel and spent almost 3 hours looking at an enormous amount and variety of art from lathed wooden bowls to modern art. We enjoyed a free happy hour with William's conference workers. Then we went out that night with a work friend and the people she was collaborating with at the conference, and had a great time.

The next day, Sunday,William went to work and I went to get a mani/pedi. I got there early and was able to get both at the same time. Wow, that was like being a queen!! Loved it!  I got pizza at a great dive that was a bar/pizza place. Tequila and pizza, a great combo!! Then I visited William and his lunch and was off to the cemetery. I spent almost 2 hours walking around and taking pictures to share with William. It was an older cemetery with plot dating to the middle 1800's. Loved it too!!

Monday William worked for half the day, and I walked around a tourist section of the city. It was silly but enjoyable. I bought an awesome 3000 piece puzzle (we like puzzles, and the biggest one we've done was 2500 pieces so new challenge) and mini-donuts. After visiting William at his lunch and checking out, I found a local burger joint. Loved it!  By that time, William was done and we drove home.

All in all, it was a great self-directed time for me. I was able to spend time with William when he was available and do fun stuff for and by me. I am so glad that I decided to challenge myself and do something that was really new for me. We enjoyed the weekend together instead of being hundreds of miles apart and only getting a few moments on the phone here and there.

I learned that things are not always what I think they will be and good can come from the unexpected and unexplored.

Sooo Grateful!!

Right now all I can say is wow!  Life is full of surprises, sometimes really stressful and painful ones and sometimes really fantastic and blessed ones.  The last two days have been full of things to be grateful for.  Let me give you some background to help you see why I feel how I feel. J

Several months ago, Nadine and I went on a vacation to Arizona to see the Grand Canyon.  Unfortunately, we decided to start arguing two days before we left. But we thought we had to go on this trip. We left and argued all the way to Arizona. Not a fun time.  Yet we made it to the hotel outside of the Grand Canyon.   It took some time, but we figured out how to see eye to eye.  

Both of us have a medical marijuana card from California. We carry a very small amount with us, and we smoked a small amount in the hotel room.

William had an issue at work that he needed to write a letter about.  It had been stressing us out and that night, we finally got to a point when William was able to write the letter. We both felt relieved and went outside to have a cigarette.

 As we came back in Nadine saw a police officer and a hotel worker and heard someone say something about the smell of marijuana. We got into the room, and she told me what she heard and said we should put away the pipe.  Momentarily, the officer came to our room and came inside. It ended in me getting a criminal misdemeanor for marijuana possession.

On his prompting, I told the officer I smoked it in order to relieve a migraine. William was dressed as Nadine and there was no way I was going to let her get involved in case this issue led to going to jail.  I showed him my California authorization to use medical marijuana. Then he left saying he needed to talk to someone else about this situation. He came back and told me he was going to cite me. He was an ok guy just doing what he thought was right. Yet he took my medical marijuana and my pipe. He took pictures of my California authorization to use medical marijuana, gave me the citation, and left.

If I were to get a misdemeanor on my record, I could lose my job.  To say the least, this became a real problem. I hired a lawyer because after doing research, we discovered I should have never been given a citation. Arizona has reciprocity with California’s medical marijuana laws. Basically, since I am legal in California, I am legal in Arizona.

Finally after almost two months, my lawyer called yesterday and said the DA was going to dismiss the citation. Two months was a long to wait and be stressed out.  It was intense, and the news we got yesterday lifted a giant boulder off our shoulders!!!!   Ginormous grateful moment!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! J

 On top of that great news, William had an awesome resolution to some work changes yesterday. He is feeling very positive about the changes he is about to embark on, and he has the support of the department he is working with. This lifted off some more pressure on his shoulders. Wonderful grateful thing!! J

 Another great thing happened yesterday as well. We heard from an old friend whom we used to be really close with.  Many years ago, we shared many special times with her and were very close friends for about 10 years. After moving away, and life changing for all of us, we lost touch with each other. A few years ago, William became Facebook friends with her, but didn’t hear much from her until yesterday. She wrote a warm email asking if she and her boyfriend could come visit us, which we are looking forward to.  A wonderful surprise! Yet another grateful moment!!! J

Lastly, as I wrote about a couple of weeks ago, we lost a cat. He died when he was about a year old. After talking, we decided to get two new kittens. We live in the country and like having cats to help with the vermin we have, and I am in love with cats.  I was actively looking for the right kittens when our neighbor texted and asked if I wanted the kittie she rescued.  We talked about it, and I decided to go see the cat. It was not a kitten, (she’s maybe 7 months old) and it was a girl. I usually get kittens to help them fit in better with my other cats (right now we have 3 other cats), and I don’t really like female cats. They are kinda nutty. But when I got there, I saw her and knew we had to take her home. So, today, we got a new cat. Another wonderful blessing!! J

That was kind of long, but I really wanted to share why I feel so grateful for the amazing things that happened in the last two days. Thank you for sharing my joy!!  WOOOHOO!!!

HUGS!! 

Photo shared by http://www.flickr.com/photos/deeplifequotes/7196807320/

What I Want -VS- What I Do

Do you ever look at your actions and see some inconsistencies between what you say you want and your actions?  I see this in myself. I say I want certain things like being in shape yet I do not do the requirements needed to fulfill my real wants.

I really like the weight issue as an example. William has pointed out to me this particular inconsistency to me.  Although I am reluctant to see anything about me that isn’t just “you are wonderful”, I think the weight issue is so great because it has nothing to do with anyone else but me. I love to blame others for my issues, but with the weight thing, there is no one to look to blame so I have to take responsibility for myself.  I say I want to be at a certain weight (or look, doesn’t matter to me) yet I do not want to do the actions it takes to make that happen. How can I blame this on anyone else? No one feeds me except me.  No one can exercise me except me. I’m the only one who puts the food into my mouth and does not exercise like I want to.  Since I know that the Atkins diet works amazingly for me (I lost 40 lbs. doing it and have lost more weight other times with this plan), I am aware of what works yet do not want to commit to just do the plan.

This is a great example of me fighting me. I have a belief that eating certain foods will make me feel better, feel okay , feel right. Yet I know as a 41 year old woman that, for me, eating carbs makes me fat or at the very least, makes me stay the same weight.  There for, my belief is illogical and one clearly connected to a child’s mind, not a grown adult with experience and knowledge. The belief must change from sugary, carby foods make me happy to healthy foods make me happy. It’s a choice.

I might say that a lot here because I have tended over the many years of “doing me” to think it is not a choice. Yet I want to change this point of view to one that sees in every situation that I have a choice.

Humans- we can be so complicated but really without the need to be so.

I wish you all the ability to see things simply.

Thank you, Nadine, William for challenging me to see the world through beautifully simple eyes. I love you!

Picture thanks to http://www.flickr.com/photos/deeplifequotes/7223435724/

Anger

Anger- it seems to sit below my surface all the time. Sometimes closer to the surface other times further down but always there. Since I will not accept that I am this angry, I will continue to do things that show how angry I am, like hurting others.

So I am angry. To change this, I will use this anger to motivate me to kick ass.  For so long, I have said I am not really interested in being a person who kicks ass yet deep inside I know that is not true; I want to be that person about which other people say “I want to be like that.”  So what has stopped me?

I would really like to avoid the actions necessary by going into the why of it all but that just is a diversionary tactic I learned long ago. In order to kick ass, I must face the core beliefs I have, challenge, and change them through actions. I am scared that I will fail, I am scared I cannot be the image of me I want to be, YET I must try without bias.  By bias, I mean, without my slant shadowing everything. 

Each day is a gift. Only if I use that gift to the fullest will I be able to look at myself and say, “I kick ass!”  

Barriers to Love

“Your task is not to seek for Love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”
- Rumi, thirteenth century Sufi poet

Looking back at the majority of life, I see so many barriers in my life that have kept me from love: self-love, love of others, and love from others.

When I was really young, my household felt warm and connected.  I cannot really explain why it felt that way except for a few scattered memories.  This feeling is validated, though, by how I used to act. I was very adventurous and excited to explore the world. I remember hunting for frogs, making mud pies, catching bees with my hands, playing doctor with the neighborhood boys. Overall, I was fearless. Yet when the problems between my parents began to overshadow the whole house, I lost that desire to risk and explore.

My reaction to this shadow was to pull back, to put up barriers against being hurt. I began to perceive that those who were supposed to love me were really out to hurt me.  So I built the walls.

 All in all it was all just bricks in the wall. (Pink Floyd)

My parents never addressed what was going on in their relationship, and I never spoke up about what I felt, neither did my brother. So we all built walls against each other and against the world. All the hurt I felt because of my parents problems I took out on others. I never allowed people in, really in. I had friends, lots of them. I was very popular. Yet I was not real with them. I was guarded and nice.  And I always had my walls up.  

For the past several years, I have been working on taking down my wall. It has not been easy, and I am not sure how far down the wall really is, yet I am aware and trying to let people really know me. It has been awesome and painful and embarrassing and humbling. The walls are still pretty thick, and I still have work to do, will until I die, but I will break them down, for me, not for anyone else.